BREAKING: Pitzer Mailroom Ladies Holding Three Hostages, Won’t Release Them Because Authorities “Didn’t Receive an Email”


A tense situation is unfolding this afternoon after authorities discovered the Pitzer Mailroom employees are currently holding two students and one delivery driver hostage. Despite multiple attempts from police and Campus Safety, officials have thus far been unsuccessful in freeing the hostages from the mail office. According to officials, the students are tied up with packing tape, “almost like flies in a spider web,” while the delivery driver is haphazardly stuffed into what looks like an empty Shein box. 

“The worst part is that they totally deny that they even have hostages in the first place. It’s just, like, frustrating because we can totally see that they’re in there, and we have correspondence from the hostages proving that they are 100% being held against their will. But what are we gonna do, just like break in there and steal them?”

-Chief McCormicksson, Claremont PD

When officers asked the employees to look around and “make sure” they didn’t “accidentally” take a few innocent people hostage, they just “rifled through a couple bins and like, patted a couple boxes and said they didn’t have anything for us.” Negotiations with the captors have yielded no results, as the mail ladies remain rock-solid, only responding by asking if they received an email. 

“These guys are good. I don’t know who trained ‘em. Could be Russia and the Commies in North Korea. Maybe Iraq, y’know, the Taliban and Burkina Faso and the like. They could even be CIA Deep State plants. All I’m sayin’ is there’s no way we’re crackin’ these dames any time soon”

-Detective Larson, LA County Sheriff’s Department

When asked if he meant Boko Haram by ‘Burkina Faso,’ Detective Larson declined to comment.

While local police want to take a more diplomatic approach, CampSec is insisting that they break in and claim the hostages by force, hoping to use the state-of-the-art military-grade titanium battering ram recently donated by Roberts and Kravis. This sentiment is echoed by the CMC ROTC, who showed up unprompted and in full gear when they found out one of the hostages is a marriageable white woman. It’s unclear if it will be necessary to use force, which Pitzer admin have warned heavily against, releasing only a statement reading “You don’t know what they’re capable of” scrawled hastily on a piece of paper and thrown out of a window.

The mail ladies have yet to release any demands, but authorities have a few theories as to why they’ve taken hostages. It could be revenge for knocking on the mail room door during their lunch break. Perhaps they’re holding them for the attention. Perhaps to strike fear. Perhaps it’s just to see if they could. Either way, no one knows for sure.

More information will be released as the situation develops.


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