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BREAKING: Student Health Services Uses Your Saliva As Lube


It’s official folks. Student Health Services has finally gone too far. This plucky reporter has unearthed a criminal scheme on par with Watergate. Spitgate, if you will. Those weekly “COVID” “tests” that we’ve been “doing?” Those aren’t tests. It’s an easy way for Student Health Services to exploit our wet, sloppy, juicy, nubile, wet mouths for their own personal gain.

Let’s rewind a bit. It was just a regular Thursday morning. I avoided getting my supple face hole dirty with gross shit like toothpaste or water for the nurses at Student Health, and then I headed over to the testing tents. As I spat a thick wet wad into my tight little tube while making direct eye contact with my freshman year politics teacher, I overheard a disturbing conversation, which I’ve transcribed below. 

Nurse 1: Shoot. We’re out of lube again. 

Nurse 2: Darn. That sure is inconvenient. 

Nurse 1: Whatever. I’ll just go down to the basement where we keep all the spit we’ve been collecting. You know? The spit from the students that we’ve been harvesting using this whole “Coronavirus” scam in case of emergencies like this? That spit? The spit that we actually never test at all? The spit we collect in the tight little tubes that we keep in the basement? Right above Jeffrey Epstein’s personal quarters? Since he’s secretly alive? That spit? 

Nurse 2: Okay cool. 

I’m sure, dear reader, that this conversation is as shocking to you as it was to me. Our own colleges, exploiting us??? Who could imagine something like this??? Please take a moment to calm down and collect yourspits I mean yourselves. 

Look, I get it. Everyone says my mouth is like, super wet and super slippery and tight. Student Health harvesting my spit isn’t a huge surprise. But the saliva of my peers? That’s just wrong. I mean, have you seen some of your mouths? It’s like you eat the silica packets that come with my multivitamins. They’re just that dry. 

Now you know the truth. Stop giving Student Health your spit. It’s not like it’ll ever be as clear and juicy and bubble-free and wet and sloppy & drippy and wet as mine anyway. Conserve the little spit that you have. Or, better yet, give it to me. My mouth is open. 


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