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Brilliant First Year Announces that Southern California is “Really Hot”

 

BREAKING NEWS — Hailing from Needham, Mass., Pomona first year student Cameron Gilder has a made a miraculous observation, causing his peers’ intellect to pale in comparison. While casually strolling to class on Wednesday, Gilder revealed his glorious discovery: “It’s like, really hot here.”

Do not make the mistake of grouping Gilder with the rest of his peers; despite his first year jitters and passion for liberalism, Gilder has distinguished himself from the typical 5C student. After his cognition and sensory skills proved extraordinary, he followed his blunt yet truthful statement with a conclusion even more profound: “Yeah, in Boston, it’s never this hot, like, ever.”

Gilder’s revelation has all students absolutely flabbergasted; Amanda Chen, PZ ‘19, found herself dumbfounded that such a young mind could impart such astute and precise knowledge on his peers. “After I heard that, I couldn’t believe he was a first year. He must be so smart.”

Despite tremendous praise and recognition, Gilder has not let the fame get to his head and has instead started focusing on more pressing issues. “I mean, I knew what I said was really gonna resonate cause it is really hot here. But I’m already kind of over the heat. I’m just really excited for the leaves to fall so I can wear my patagonia again.”

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