The following is a letter obtained by The Golden Antlers investigative reporting staff. It came into our possession because Campus Security has sincere faith in our top-notch journalism skills and so they personally entrusted us with conveying this message to the Claremont Community, not because we were on campus and found it taped, 95 theses-like, to the door of the Cube. Don’t mind the, uh, water stains.
Dear Students residing in the Claremont area,
This is a cry for help. The past several weeks, we have been inundated with reports that you have been sneaking onto campus and walking around for a while with a distinctly wistful, yet rabid, look in your eyes. Upon being approached by a campus security officer, every single time, you looked us dead in the eyes and attempted to bribe us with your five dollar bills*. We simply cannot take it anymore because it’s starting to bum us the fuck out.
Did you think we didn’t see you licking the Hub door? We assure you that’s not mozz sticks you’re tasting. And good god, please stop pissing in the Cube water! We are simply bamboozled by this definitely new and not-previously-done while school was an in-person occurrence. Also, to those of you streaking through Seal Court, look–you know it’s not the same, we know it’s not the same, just save us some secondhand embarrassment and streak through the Village like a goddamn adult.
Not to mention, don’t you think your money is better spent on other things? We did the math–for the number of you who offered us five dollars**, you could actually afford to do any one of the following options:
- Bet your little cousin that he can’t do a backflip off the diving board
- Buy a house without accounting for inflation
- Fully finance the GoFundMe for someone’s cousin’s neighbor’s aunt’s dog’s surgery on all of your Pitzer friends’ instagram stories
- Buy CGU
- Pay the salaries of every armed guard Tiedens hires to barricade her house every time she sends an email
dickbid both Roberts and Kravis in their next attempt to prove they’re the CMC alum with the biggest endowment
- Jumpstart the national economy
While we appreciate that your near-constant property violation is the only thing keeping us from being furloughed, but at some point (this point), the ends no longer justify the means.
We’ll take our chances with the presidents; all we know is that every shift has become a disturbing combination of nostalgia and disgust. Know in your hearts that your hijinks have helped our staff maintain North Quad’s weekly vomit quota, and maybe that’ll make you feel a little closer to your home here at Claremont. But it’s time to let go.
With love and desperation,
*Actually, on two occasions the officer was offered five flex dollars. Are you guys okay?
**Not including flex. Once again, seek help. You know you didn’t even get flex this semester, right?