Sept 2, 2018
Campus Security is committed to fostering a positive, efficient, effervescent, ergonomic, responsible, no fun, lots of fun, fun zone for students, staff, and faculty. In an effort to establish a better rapport with the wider community, this year we’re starting a new blogging initiative to keep the community abreast of our actions during Campus events. We hope that this line of communication will increase our transparency about our role on campus. So please, check out our wrap-up following 5C parties, because there’s no fun with out fu(respo)n(sible).
Campus Security Constable David Adamson
Sept 8, 2018
6:01 was last night and it was a huge success. That being said, there were a number of students who had a little too much fun. While we only had three transports last night, one of them did need to be transported in a helicopter to the Vatican after she turned completely white, rotated her head 360 degrees, and tried to bite a Campus Security Officer’s hand off while screaming that Satan is within her. We would like to remind all students that there is a $75 dollar fee for off-campus exorcisms. In addition, contrary to popular belief, just because CMC became a wet campus at 6:01, that does not mean PCP is okay at any time besides finals week. Finding someone doing interpretive dance on top of the Cube should not be a repeat occurrence. Have a safe week and be sure to check in next week.
Constable David Adamson
Sept 15, 2018
Hello again. We at Campus Security are dismayed to see that students did not learn from the mistakes of last week. We were a little bit more than shocked to find that four Pomona students kidnapped Jim Parsons from The Big Bang Theory and were forcing him to repeatedly say “Bazinga” as a part of a convoluted drinking game. We would like to extend our sincerest apology to Mr. Parsons and we would like to reiterate that kidnapping is not just against school policy, but also federal law. As well, we apprehended a group of Scripps students who had mistaken an unsuspecting CMC freshman for Paul Ryan and were about to dismember him in search of his spine. Luckily, we were able to step in before this young man was forced to justify his sole priority being tax cuts for big corporations. Apparently, however, he was prepared to discuss the merits of market self regulation. Ladies, next time it would be in everybody’s best interest if you just go to DC. Lastly, we confiscated a beer from a Pomona sophomore who was drinking underage. He has been executed under military tribunal.
Sept 22, 2018
Alright fuckers, I see my posts have not been doing a good job at curtailing tomfoolery on campus so I’m gonna be a little more direct now. If I see another HMC student planting a pipe bomb in any dining hall (that includes Jay’s Place), I will personally see to it that you are put on conduct. Furthermore, breaking into Hiram Chodosh’s house, shooting him with a paintball gun, then doing a Fortnite dance is now a punishable offense after a regrettable incident forced us to close a loophole in previous regulations. Any further infractions might lead to actual law enforcement being called. Lastly, and I cannot stress this enough, anyone who steals my patrol golf cart, crashes it into the library, and burns all of the non-fiction books while singing “Living La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin will have their ass kicked by me. If I haven’t made myself fucking clear then fuck you.
Oct 1, 2018
To the 3 of you who read my Campus Security Updates, I write to you today with sadness in my heart and Franzia vomit under my fingernails… Saturday night was a dark night. Toga did not officially start until 9:30 pm, but the debauchery began at the crack of dawn on Saturday. The ground beneath Green Beach shook and Bauer quaked with the rumblings of repressed adolescent rage and horny underclassmen finally realizing all those little round things were actually free condoms. At a ripe 10:15 AM we encountered our first instance of bag slapping, though we did not find a single trace of Merlot. Some ambitious CMC sophomores had decided for a more authentic toga they would chug bags of blood. We would like to state firmly that the Claremont Colleges have a zero tolerance policy for public consumption of bodily fluids from unidentified parties. Also important to note, this practice has ZERO basis in history. Our second serious encounter was with a team of Mudders trying to tunnel into the party prison from Pritzlaff field. For future reference, Mudders, you may enter any 5C event via the front door with your valid student ID.