This Tuesday at 08:34:00 PST, Campus Security issued a consortium-wide alert concerning a public safety hazard. The message broadcasted to students by CampSec is as follows:
Attention students: It has been brought to our attention that libertarian propaganda disguised as composition notebooks is being left in various locations around the Claremont Colleges. If you see an object that matches this description, DO NOT PICK IT UP. DO NOT TOUCH IT. DO NOT EVEN LOOK AT IT. Leave the site of the encounter immediately and contact Campus Security as soon as possible. This object could be the September issue of the Claremont Independent: incredibly dry, eye roll –inducing, and responsible for serious brain damage to those who read it. Again, if you make the mistake of engaging with this object, please contact Campus Security immediately. Failure to heed these warnings may result in brainwashing, debilitating confusion, or death.
This warning in effect until Campus Safety confirms that every Claremont Independent issue has been located and disposed of at a local hazardous waste treatment plant.
To get the inside scoop, we sent our brave (expendable) freshman reporter Shane Mulligan, to check out what was actually inside one of these publications. Mulligan opened the book to find a list of the best places to eat in Claremont Village, a page of descriptions of the 5C dining halls, and an article entitled “Welcome to Our Future: A Profile on Nathan Tsai for California State Assembly.” Below is an excerpt from an article entitled “Study Habits for 5C Freshman!”
The Honnold-Mudd library is a great place to study, do some research, or just find a quiet corner to read in. Try the fourth floor for some peace and quiet when you just need to get away from all those crazy liberals and their ideas about wealth inequality. If you need help finding a book, don’t hesitate to ask a librarian! They’re just one of the many resources available on campus to help you succeed. And just because I share a set of beliefs with a group defined by their shared set of beliefs doesn’t make me one of them. I’m not a Republican, okay? I just have conservative financial views: I’m socially liberal. I don’t hate Hillary Clinton because she’s a woman, I hate her because her platform on job creation is totally unrealistic, and because there’s no way someone that weak and emotional could ever do a good job making important decisions for our country. Whatever. I’m just writing for this magazine because my weird roommate Carl said they needed people and that it would be good experience to put on job applications.
The Golden Antlers would like to remind freshmen that they can ask literally any upperclassman which dining halls are the best and what vendors in the village take Claremont Cash. And best of all, their answer probably won’t include their opinion on Condoleezza Rice’s autobiography.
Mulligan, despite serious danger to his personal health and active threats to his feelings about the importance of a central government, continued reading.
Best of the 5C Dining Halls:
- Smoothies at Pitzer: What a refreshing morning treat! Try the mango-strawberry smoothie, or a wacky flavor like blueberry basil!
- Sushi night at Scripps: Handmade sushi every Friday. Make sure to get there early and beat the ravenous crowds.
- Make Your Own Pizza at Mudd: Add whatever toppings you want! Great alternative to eating pizza that someone else put toppings on. Here at the Claremont Independent, we believe that nobody has the right to tell you what you should and shouldn’t put on your pizza, especially not the two major political parties in power.
Best Places to Eat in Claremont Village:
- Best Pizza: Zpizza
We love this place! You can use Claremont cash here, and choose from an array of delicious topping combinations. Zpizza’s Tuscan White is almost as delicious as curling up with a good Ron Paul manifesto!
- Best Salad: Salad Farm
For those who delight in a healthy lunch or dinner, this is the place to go! Fresh produce, delectable dressings and abundant add-ins are at your fingertips. Vote for Nathan Tsai for CA state assembly.
How to Avoid the Freshman 15:
1. Impeach Obama
– Abby O’Brien SCR ’18