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    Pitzer ‘92 Beer League Team, Missing for 26 Years, Discovered Alive in the Andes Mountains

     

     Beer league–a Pomona-Pitzer tradition since 1776. One might describe it as “fun in the sun:” the game is slow-pitch baseball, filled to the brim with beer, bunts, bongs, Bobs, and brawls. The rules are easy–regular baseball rules, except every pitch is a strike, there are 4 strikes instead of 3, a mandatory 7th inning singing […] More

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    Paternity Test Now Required to Purchase “Scripps Dad” Merchandise

     

      CLAREMONT, CA – Campus officials have enacted a new policy restricting acquisition of “Scripps Dad” products to those with proof of biological paternity. The Scripps Dad logo—once an innocent emblem donned in various fabric forms by grieving fathers on move-in day—now serves as a souvenir that male members of the 5C community bring back […] More

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    Claremont Vegans Metamorphisize into Soy Burger Patty

     

     When Gregoor Samssa (HMC ‘19) woke up this Wednesday morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous plant-based alternative meat product. He was lying on his squishy as it were soy-plumped back, and when he lifted his head a little, he could see his dome-like brown belly arched in oblong […] More

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    Motley to Introduce New Sustainability Plan For Spring Semester

     

     Yesterday, the Motley unveiled their new plans to integrate several eco-friendly practices. This plan is to be implemented completely by February 2019, and has received praise from several notable leaders in the environmental justice community including the Environmental Defense Fund, the Citizens Climate Lobby, and that group of Pitzer juniors smoking by the clock tower. […] More

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    5C Male Population, Exhibiting Signs of Hyperactivity and Irritability for Roughly the Past Month, Now Seem Strangely at Ease

     

     The Claremont Colleges have once again returned to their normal levels of late semester crippling stress and anxiety after the last month saw the student population in the firm grasp of an unexplained phenomenon. The administration is still unsure what to make of the situation which was characterized by a large swath of the student […] More

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    CMC Reports Women are Overrepresented at Scripps College

     

     One of Southern California’s most prestigious political research institutions, the Rose Institute at Claremont McKenna College, recently released year-end research on diversity statistics in neighboring places of higher education. In the latest report, the Rose has taken particular interest in the neighboring community of Scripps College. This report, filled with 2 pages of cutting-edge political […] More

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    CMC Launches Annual Parasol Pop-Up Shop

     

     Record breaking heat waves this year have prompted CMCers to churn that entrepreneurial spirit of theirs into an exciting new capitalist venture: customizable parasols! While the other 4C’s may hurl churlish remarks about CMC’s pre-professional pretension, an overwhelming number of CMC students have come to the initiative’s defense. “My electric scooter already has a built […] More

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    Which Claremont College Local Produce Are You?

     

     The Pomona Berry Ironically the only berry not served at Frank. The Pomona Berry is notable for its deep blue skin and thick, milky juice whose appearance can only be described as “kind of jizzy.” The Pomona Berry grows best in environments with sufficient sources of smooth jazz and subsist largely on a diet of […] More

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    Oblivious Male in Feminist Film Class Reiterates “The Godfather is a Great Movie”

     

     “The Godfather is a great movie, in fact, it’s one of the best” lauded Pomona junior John Stevenson to his classmates. Stevenson, ignorant to his overwhelmingly female classmates in SC MS 150 Feminist Film Herstory, continued to celebrate the 1972 film saying it was a triumph for high-brow American film. His classmates, who all simultaneously […] More

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    More Like Cuck Science Center: Which One of You Nerds Fucked My Wife?

     

     Alright eggheads–the jig is up. It’s time to put down your stethoscopes and your microscopes and your lab-coats and turn your attention to me, because I have Demands and I will not rest until they have been answered. Last night I discovered incontrovertible evidence of a sordid affair. In my own marital bed, the very […] More

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    Scripps College Solves Housing Crisis with Storage Pod Dorms

     

     Scripps College Residential Life has managed to creatively solve its persistent housing crisis once and for all in a logical and simple way: by providing Storage Pods for students to live in! Students have been raving about their single-dorm buildings. “My bed almost fits inside, which isn’t that bad of a deal,” Amy Braggard ‘21 […] More

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