More stories

  • in

    CMC Announces Plans to Fuck the Black Hole

     

     In a press release on Monday, President Chodosh outlined the mission statement for the new and improved independent Claremont McKenna Science Department. Chodosh explained, “Our first and foremost priority is to provide an enriching education for our students that prepares them for successful careers in the STEM field. Right after that though is definitely fucking […] More

  • in

    Prospie Triumphantly Returns to High School with Wild Drinking Stories

     

     Kevin Lock CMC 23’ returned to Green Acres Preparatory School for Kids Who Have Money for SAT/ACT Tutors Academy this past Monday after a weekend filled with the zaniest drinking stories his buddies have ever heard. Kevin arrived on CMC’s campus with the expectation that he’d get plastered with the bros and he wasn’t let […] More

  • in , ,

    Student’s Decision to Skip Coachella Entirely Based on Moral Values and Not the Fact that They Spent All Their Money On JUUL Pods

     

     This week, role model and upstanding citizen Sarah Clarke (POM ‘20) made the brave and altruistic decision to not join her friends in their annual trip to Coachella. When asked what inspired her righteous act, Clarke stated “Honestly, I just feel like I’m one drop in a lake, and I just hope that it causes […] More

  • in ,

    Administration Releases New Hunting Guidelines for 2019 Prospie Season

     

     This morning at 8 AM, the Dean of Students office at Claremont McKenna College released the 2019 rules and guidelines for this upcoming Open Prospie Season. This weekend marks the annual Prospectostudentante migration, a weekend long period where more than 500 Prospectostudentantes will trek through the consortium, grazing upon the natural resources of the land […] More

  • in ,

    Pomona College Adds Simlish Language Table at Oldenborg Center

     

     This past week, Pomona College announced that they will be adding a new language table at Oldenborg Center for students who are interested in conversing in Simlish, the official language of the Sims. In the announcement, Pomona states their decision comes from “an overwhelming amount of support from students who want to learn the challenging, […] More

  • in ,

    Chopped: Collins Edition

     

     Four student chefs call on their culinary skills as they face off against one another to prepare a spectacular meal consisting of 3 mystery ingredients selected by the judges. Contestants will then face the dreaded “Chopping Block,” where a panel of four dining hall connoisseurs “chop” 3 students who fail to measure up in terms […] More

  • in

    Extreme Traffic on Route 15 as Students Rush to Vegas With Datamatches Release

     

     CLAREMONT, CA– This Valentine’s Day, lonely 5C students awoke to find themselves lonely no more after The Golden Antlers and Harvard Computer Society teamed up to create an irresistibly, deliriously hilarious, optimal matchmaking service. As the #1 ranked satirical newspaper in the world, it was truly no surprise that once again, The GA delivered a […] More

  • in

    Fyre Festival Founder Hired To Set Up Pirate Party 2019

     

     Claremont, CA On February 3rd, it was announced that renowned entrepreneur, Billy McFarland, the founder of and CEO of Fyre Media, was hired by Claremont McKenna College and ASCMC to organize the biggest party of the semester. McFarland, the random Nigerian Prince emailing you and asking for money equivalent of entrepreneurs, is the brains behind […] More

  • in ,

    Girl from Seattle Reminds Everyone that She’s Used to the Rain

     

     POMONA COLLEGE – Since the rain started last week, Pomona sophomore Ryan Talbot has not stopped reminding all her friends about the fact that she’s from Seattle and that she’s used to this weather. Having lived in the PNW her whole life, the rain reminds her of home. “Being from Seattle, I used to eating, […] More

  • in ,

    Mudder Codes Price-Checker for 5C For Sale/For Free

     

     Harvey Mudd freshman Sheldon Meyers thought he was well-acquainted with the overall Claremont student body’s blind classism– until he stumbled upon a posting in 5C For Free/For Sale. “A CMC-er was trying to sell a messy conglomeration of undesirable used items ranging from a half-empty bottle of Neutrogena face wash to a dirty shower caddy. […] More

  • in

    Two Weeks Post-Break, Bay Area Student Struggles to Overcome Jet Lag

     

     School is finally back in session here in Claremont, and Scripps’ weird dirt roads are bustling once more. Even though it may seem like everyone is ready to start looking at and then promptly ignoring assigned readings, some students like Nathan DuPont (Pomona ‘20) are still lagging behind. Traveling back to Claremont after winter break […] More

  • in

    Scooter Gang Bursts Pomona Bubble: Holds Up Student for Flex Cash

     

     A world of crime and hardship has invaded south campus as recently Alexis Simmons PO `21 was stopped by a group of “frightening young men” on his way to get Boba Thai Tea from Coop Fountain. “They were on me in an instant,” says Alexis, “I was forced to choose between bodily harm or buying […] More

Load More
Congratulations. You've reached the end of the internet.