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    Thank God: Here’s Everything Pomona Spent Money on Instead of Air Conditioning


     Awww, poor wittle baby wants aiw conditioning. Listen up, idiot, The Almighty and All-Knowing Pomona College is a serious institution with serious priorities, and student health and safety is bottom of the list. We’re sorry you’re too soft for our concrete dorm ovens, but it’s not like we have an exuberant amount of wealth that […] More

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    Pitzer Replaces Canceled OA Trips With Captive Audience Meeting


     This past week, as the new fleet of freshmen moved into their new homes in sunny Claremont, California, ready to begin their college experience with one of the many orientation adventures offered by the college, inclement weather put an abrupt end to the originally planned week of activities. Pitzer College, being the versatile institution they […] More

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    Keen Resigns Amid Badminton Turmoil


     Suzanne Keen has finally bowed to the pressure of shuttlecock politics at the 5Cs. After her historic resignation, the 10th president of Scripps College went on to highlight her fractious relationship with the badminton community. “Frankly, it’s gone too far—there’s violence everywhere. Can’t step a foot without skidding over the remains of shuttlecock shootouts. I […] More

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    “Frary-Wave Feminism Has Gone Too Far:” Collins to Start Exclusively Serving Raw Meat With No Utensils


     In response to public outcry about Frary’s “Meatless Monday,” Collins has issued their own statement. Put simply: Frary’s vegan feminists need to step back. In an unprecedented display of principle and activism, Collins is fighting back—for you, for your children (specifically your sons), for every red-blooded American who knows that bald eagles taste best with […] More

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    Spring Break Report on Mexico: DO NOT COME


     The crisis at the border can no longer be ignored. It is our duty to ensure that wild drug addicts stay in their country. To quote Kamala Harris, “Do not come.” With spring break nearly upon us, students of the 5Cs, please do not come to Mexico. If your idea of Mexican food is Malott […] More

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    3 Time Management Tips for Balancing Your Academics, Social Life, and Undying Devotion to Ba’althoraxar the Blood God


     We’ve all been there: You’ve got a 10-page paper due at midnight but you promised your friends you’d get blackout drunk with them when all of a sudden the voice of Ba’althoraxar pops into your head, demanding a sacrifice. Not again! Next thing you know you’re breaking into the Pitzer coop to steal a chicken […] More

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    Special Day: Snowfall Lets Pomona Student Feel Like They Attend an Ivy League


     Wednesday, March 1st: At around 12:45 today, Pomona student Reginald Winston Sterling III’s big dreams of attending a real East Coast Ivy League was actualized when he looked out the window of the Coop and saw snow falling. The Golden Antlers reached out to Reginald Winston Sterling III (who insisted we use his full name […] More

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    “It Was Really All Just Hypothetical Anyways,” Pitzer Admin On Like Social Justice and Stuff


     Pitzer College recently illegally fired three dining service workers for being pro-union. When asked for justification, they stated “because we can, na na na na boo boo,” and President Strom Thacker affirmed this message by blowing a raspberry and clapping his hands like a happy toddler. In an exclusive interview with the Golden Antlers, one […] More

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    The Three Types of 5C Men You’ll Meet on Tinder


     As we all know, you are horny.  As a result, it’s no surprise that 75%of the population can be found on everyone’s favorite sex app: Tinder. As someone who has never been in a relationship before and has spent two full hours devoted to meeting men on Tinder, here is a comprehensive list of the […] More

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    “We Will Continue To Treat Every Member Of Our Community With Respect,” Writes Palpatine In Email To Imperial Forces


     “Dear Death Star Community,” began the email sent yesterday by Emperor Palpatine to the entirety of the Imperial Navy. “I am writing with an update regarding the contract negotiations with Unite Here Interstellar 489, the union for the Death Star’s cafeteria workers.” Last week, the workers voted overwhelmingly in favor of approving a strike, asking […] More

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    5 Outfits for Introverted People


     Fall is in the air, and that means for many, it’s time to trade pool parties for Netflix parties and regular human interaction for your bong and a loaf of pumpkin bread. But for introverts in sunny Southern California, it can be hard to show people that just because you look good, doesn’t mean you […] More

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