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    CMC Removed from Niche College Ranking after Sending Bribe to be Higher Ranked on Top Party Schools List

     

     Scripps College recently lost its spot on the U.S. News & World Report 2019 best colleges list after it misreported data. But Scripps isn’t the only Claremont College in trouble for attempting to improve their ranking score. CMC recently lost its’ spot on Niche’s college ranking for Top Party Schools after trying to bribe Niche […] More

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    Scripps College Should be a Safe Space: Remove All Womxn so I Feel Comfortable

     

     Fellas, we’ve all been there. You’re walking through Scripps College, the women’s college’s campus alone when suddenly, an all-consuming aura of queasiness possesses you. You feel a compelling urge to grab your keys and put them between your knuckles as if you’re Wolverine. You dial 911 on your phone and keep it open, just in […] More

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    In Attempt to Teach the Admissions Office a Lesson, Registrar Says “Fuck It”

     

     In retaliation for the Admissions Office not knowing how to create a class that isn’t 100 students above the average enrollment, the Registrar said “Fuck it” in protest to making their lives a living hell. When asked for a statement, the Registrar threw crumpled Major Declaration forms at the Golden Antlers reporters while yelling at […] More

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    Student has Breakdown About not Having a Breakdown Yet

     

      It was 3 pm on a Thursday and all that could be heard were the wallowing screams of a young student in Appleby. The shrieks echoed through the hallways of the dorm, bouncing from wall to wall, reaching new places screams have never reached before. Kate Reich CMC ’22 recalls laying in her bed […] More

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    Why Can’t I Fuck in the Bouncy House at Pirate Party?

     

     Pirate Party is a sacred ceremony. A celebration of joy, established in 1348 when Claremont Men’s College was a mere infant of two years, Pirate Party holds eternal sanctity that we must all take full advantage of and bask in. Originally founded as a way to honor CMC’s primary funder and the original flex daddy […] More

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    CMC Announces Plans to Fuck the Black Hole

     

     In a press release on Monday, President Chodosh outlined the mission statement for the new and improved independent Claremont McKenna Science Department. Chodosh explained, “Our first and foremost priority is to provide an enriching education for our students that prepares them for successful careers in the STEM field. Right after that though is definitely fucking […] More

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    Prospie Triumphantly Returns to High School with Wild Drinking Stories

     

     Kevin Lock CMC 23’ returned to Green Acres Preparatory School for Kids Who Have Money for SAT/ACT Tutors Academy this past Monday after a weekend filled with the zaniest drinking stories his buddies have ever heard. Kevin arrived on CMC’s campus with the expectation that he’d get plastered with the bros and he wasn’t let […] More

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    Student’s Decision to Skip Coachella Entirely Based on Moral Values and Not the Fact that They Spent All Their Money On JUUL Pods

     

     This week, role model and upstanding citizen Sarah Clarke (POM ‘20) made the brave and altruistic decision to not join her friends in their annual trip to Coachella. When asked what inspired her righteous act, Clarke stated “Honestly, I just feel like I’m one drop in a lake, and I just hope that it causes […] More

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    Administration Releases New Hunting Guidelines for 2019 Prospie Season

     

     This morning at 8 AM, the Dean of Students office at Claremont McKenna College released the 2019 rules and guidelines for this upcoming Open Prospie Season. This weekend marks the annual Prospectostudentante migration, a weekend long period where more than 500 Prospectostudentantes will trek through the consortium, grazing upon the natural resources of the land […] More

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    Pomona College Adds Simlish Language Table at Oldenborg Center

     

     This past week, Pomona College announced that they will be adding a new language table at Oldenborg Center for students who are interested in conversing in Simlish, the official language of the Sims. In the announcement, Pomona states their decision comes from “an overwhelming amount of support from students who want to learn the challenging, […] More

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    Chopped: Collins Edition

     

     Four student chefs call on their culinary skills as they face off against one another to prepare a spectacular meal consisting of 3 mystery ingredients selected by the judges. Contestants will then face the dreaded “Chopping Block,” where a panel of four dining hall connoisseurs “chop” 3 students who fail to measure up in terms […] More

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    Extreme Traffic on Route 15 as Students Rush to Vegas With Datamatches Release

     

     CLAREMONT, CA– This Valentine’s Day, lonely 5C students awoke to find themselves lonely no more after The Golden Antlers and Harvard Computer Society teamed up to create an irresistibly, deliriously hilarious, optimal matchmaking service. As the #1 ranked satirical newspaper in the world, it was truly no surprise that once again, The GA delivered a […] More

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