Alex V
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Help! Cecil Got Abs and Won’t Stop Fucking My Roommate!
To the Pomona Administration and Trustee Board, With Great Urgency: I am currently embroiled in a crisis with Pomona housing that has lasted almost a month now. I have gotten no response from Housing and Residential life even though I have sent several strongly-worded emails. I am very vexed about this issue and don’t know […] More
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Student Health Services Hires Actors from LA Casting to Solve Staff Shortage
This coming week, Student Health Services (SHS) will implement a new plan to solve their staff shortage. In a public statement, they acknowledged the severity of the problem while emphasizing their main priority: finding skilled individuals that can fill in the vacant spots at the clinic. To solve the issue, SHS will be hiring actors […] More
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The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First Years: Pitzer Edition
Back so soon? Lusting for more content? A helpless Pitzer first-year in desperate need of guidance? If you consider any of the proceeding statements to be true about yourself, read on! We are extremely knowledgeable and we’re here to help, and today, we’re extending a hand to Pitzer first-years. #Gratitude Start all new nondenominational cults […] More
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CMC Removed from Niche College Ranking after Sending Bribe to be Higher Ranked on Top Party Schools List
Scripps College recently lost its spot on the U.S. News & World Report 2019 best colleges list after it misreported data. But Scripps isn’t the only Claremont College in trouble for attempting to improve their ranking score. CMC recently lost its’ spot on Niche’s college ranking for Top Party Schools after trying to bribe Niche […] More
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Student has Breakdown About not Having a Breakdown Yet
It was 3 pm on a Thursday and all that could be heard were the wallowing screams of a young student in Appleby. The shrieks echoed through the hallways of the dorm, bouncing from wall to wall, reaching new places screams have never reached before. Kate Reich CMC ’22 recalls laying in her bed […] More
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Student’s Decision to Skip Coachella Entirely Based on Moral Values and Not the Fact that They Spent All Their Money On JUUL Pods
This week, role model and upstanding citizen Sarah Clarke (POM ‘20) made the brave and altruistic decision to not join her friends in their annual trip to Coachella. When asked what inspired her righteous act, Clarke stated “Honestly, I just feel like I’m one drop in a lake, and I just hope that it causes […] More
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Administration Releases New Hunting Guidelines for 2019 Prospie Season
This morning at 8 AM, the Dean of Students office at Claremont McKenna College released the 2019 rules and guidelines for this upcoming Open Prospie Season. This weekend marks the annual Prospectostudentante migration, a weekend long period where more than 500 Prospectostudentantes will trek through the consortium, grazing upon the natural resources of the land […] More
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Pomona College Adds Simlish Language Table at Oldenborg Center
This past week, Pomona College announced that they will be adding a new language table at Oldenborg Center for students who are interested in conversing in Simlish, the official language of the Sims. In the announcement, Pomona states their decision comes from “an overwhelming amount of support from students who want to learn the challenging, […] More
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Girl from Seattle Reminds Everyone that She’s Used to the Rain
POMONA COLLEGE – Since the rain started last week, Pomona sophomore Ryan Talbot has not stopped reminding all her friends about the fact that she’s from Seattle and that she’s used to this weather. Having lived in the PNW her whole life, the rain reminds her of home. “Being from Seattle, I used to eating, […] More
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Where Did Your Scripps College Tuition Go?
Dear Scripps College Community, Recently, we have received many inquiries as to where students’ tuition is being utilized on our campus, as $72,956.00 doesn’t even allow for buildings that only have classrooms in them. We can assure you that your entire life savings plus another lifetime of debt is going to your elite education, incredible […] More
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in Alex V
Sophomore Discovers that the Number of JUULS he Owns Doesn’t Define Him
Over the weekend, CMC sophomore Tommy took a “fat bong rip” while hanging out with friends and talking about their summers. After minutes of showing his friends all his “sick vape vids” that he and his “back-home squad” filmed, he started to realize they don’t actually care. He then took another hit out of the […] More
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Finals Killed My Sex Drive – A CMC Confession
Last Sunday morning the Golden Antlers received an anonymous letter that was slid under the door of one of our fellow writers. We take it upon ourselves as the top journalistic publication at the 5C’s to make the community aware of the student’s suffering. Below is the letter. Hello I am a Junior at Claremont […] More
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