Julia F
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Hey, Are You Free to Get Lunch?
Hey, I just got to Mallot, looking for a table now. There’s like nowhere to sit. Oh, wait, nevermind. I’m in that room in the front, like, it’s to the East. If you look at the mountains you’ll know which way east is because they’re north, can you please hurry up I see Lillian rounding […] More
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Course Offerings for SP2020 Registrar Forgot to Add
With the Spring semester quickly approaching, every student at the Claremont colleges has only one thing on their mind: what classes are they going to take next semester. Last night, classes were released on the portal, however it seems that the registrar forgot to add classes that are being offered! We at The Golden Antlers […] More
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The Golden Antlers’ Official Statement on “The Incident”
It has recently come to our attention that a miscarriage of justice has been perpetrated against The Golden Antlers. As a publication that holds the utmost integrity when it comes to reporting the truth and giving non-biased information to the public, we realize that someone people may hold grudges against us. However, we bow our […] More
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Student Health Services Hires Actors from LA Casting to Solve Staff Shortage
This coming week, Student Health Services (SHS) will implement a new plan to solve their staff shortage. In a public statement, they acknowledged the severity of the problem while emphasizing their main priority: finding skilled individuals that can fill in the vacant spots at the clinic. To solve the issue, SHS will be hiring actors […] More
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The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First Years: Claremont McKenna
Power and Privilege aren’t all you need to be successful at Claremont McKenna College– you also need our advice! Read on if you want to win! Microfridge is all you need. You shouldn’t have brought anything else because now your room is full. That being said, if your room is in North Quad, consider a […] More
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The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First Years: Pitzer Edition
Back so soon? Lusting for more content? A helpless Pitzer first-year in desperate need of guidance? If you consider any of the proceeding statements to be true about yourself, read on! We are extremely knowledgeable and we’re here to help, and today, we’re extending a hand to Pitzer first-years. #Gratitude Start all new nondenominational cults […] More
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The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First-Years: Pomona Edition
Anyways, here’s our tips for Pomona College first-years: Do you have anxiety about Pomona being “not prestigious enough” compared to your friends at Harvard, Princeton, Stanford, or Yale? Well, stress no more, because you’re right! Psst! Here’s a sneaky one for ya: Instead of telling your roommate to elbow you in the ribs, just lie […] More
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CMC Removed from Niche College Ranking after Sending Bribe to be Higher Ranked on Top Party Schools List
Scripps College recently lost its spot on the U.S. News & World Report 2019 best colleges list after it misreported data. But Scripps isn’t the only Claremont College in trouble for attempting to improve their ranking score. CMC recently lost its’ spot on Niche’s college ranking for Top Party Schools after trying to bribe Niche […] More
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Scripps College Should be a Safe Space: Remove All Womxn so I Feel Comfortable
Fellas, we’ve all been there. You’re walking through Scripps College, the women’s college’s campus alone when suddenly, an all-consuming aura of queasiness possesses you. You feel a compelling urge to grab your keys and put them between your knuckles as if you’re Wolverine. You dial 911 on your phone and keep it open, just in […] More
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Why Can’t I Fuck in the Bouncy House at Pirate Party?
Pirate Party is a sacred ceremony. A celebration of joy, established in 1348 when Claremont Men’s College was a mere infant of two years, Pirate Party holds eternal sanctity that we must all take full advantage of and bask in. Originally founded as a way to honor CMC’s primary funder and the original flex daddy […] More
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Extreme Traffic on Route 15 as Students Rush to Vegas With Datamatches Release
CLAREMONT, CA– This Valentine’s Day, lonely 5C students awoke to find themselves lonely no more after The Golden Antlers and Harvard Computer Society teamed up to create an irresistibly, deliriously hilarious, optimal matchmaking service. As the #1 ranked satirical newspaper in the world, it was truly no surprise that once again, The GA delivered a […] More