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    5Cs Purchases License To New Zoom Breakdown Rooms

     

     At the risk of repeating what literally everyone has been saying for months, to the point that you want to punch someone any time they say it, 2020 sure has been a weird year. If there’s one thing you can say about the 5C administrations’ response to COVID-19, it’s that they listen to and care […] More

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    Dear CMC and Pomona: Just Fuck Already

     

     We can’t be the only ones who have noticed. The endless bickering. The matching mottos. The constant dragging each other in prospective student tours. Cecil “coincidentally” getting way hotter the same year CMC moved to top 10 in liberal arts college rankings. For crissakes, the #1 most-worn clothing item on CMC campus literally actively encourages […] More

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    5Cs Unveil Spring COVID-19 Prevention Plans

     

     The 5Cs have unveiled their plans for the Spring 2021 semester due to mounting pressure from students and parents and the idea of losing any more money during the COVID-19 pandemic.  Pitzer College plans to have students sleep out on the Mounds in hammocks spaced six feet apart so as to maintain social distancing. “Pitzer […] More

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    Equality Win! Pitzer College Professors Are Now Required to Live With Their Parents

     

     Following increasing pressure from the Pitzer College student body, President Herman Melville Oliver Twist announced three weeks ago that his administration has made the formal decision to require all professors to move back in with their parents. Student activists have been mobilizing all semester to put increased pressure on their college’s administration for this enormous […] More

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    Camp Sec: Please Stop Trying to ‘Slip Us a Fiver’ to Walk Around Campus for an Hour Just to Feel Something Again

     

     The following is a letter obtained by The Golden Antlers investigative reporting staff. It came into our possession because Campus Security has sincere faith in our top-notch journalism skills and so they personally entrusted us with conveying this message to the Claremont Community, not because we were on campus and found it taped, 95 theses-like, […] More

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    How to Write a TSL Opinion Piece

     

     We’ve all had one of those late, sleepless nights where we just can’t stop venting about dumb shit no one cares about like Big Mouth’s animation style, why cell phones are more toxic than wildfires, why Ke$ha’s lyrics tick us off, or something that is a well-known fact that you just realized like a virtual […] More

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    Goodwill to Take Legal Action Against Scripps College Citing “A Profuse and Threatening Number of Used Dildo Donations’

     

     Earlier this week, Scripps College announced that they would move forward in the process of getting rid of all our shit. In a characteristically awful move, Scripps has now forced students to decide between having all of their belongings shipped to their home residence or donated. Fearing for their possessions which have been in storage […] More

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    Breaking: Match Claremont Exposed as Front for Russian Bots

     

     It is with great fear for our ever-weakening democracy that we, The Golden Antlers, release the alarming news that Match Claremont has been discovered to be a front for Russian bots. Like many other Russian bot Facebook pages, Match Claremont attempted to lure innocent Claremont students into a false sense of security by directly imitating […] More

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    How to Show Tasteful Nudity on Zoom

     

     In response to coronavirus, many institutions of higher education around the world, including the 5Cs, have realized that they will need to embrace innovative solutions to deal with the problems posed by the pandemic. Since crowded classes greatly increase the chance of infection, the 5Cs have decided to start using Zoom, a group video chat […] More

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    TSL Contributor Bio: It’s Joe Mama!

     

     What’s up, dog?! The name’s Mama, Joe Mama. Ha-ha, sorry, I just had to start off with a James Bond quote! I’m going to be writing for the TSL this year, so without further ado, here is my bio for the website: I’ve spent the last two years at the school of business at Nunya […] More

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    The Loaning Tree

     

     Once there was a tree. And she loved a little boy (which really should have been the first red flag). And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves. And make them into crowns and play king of the forest.  He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches […] More

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