Pitzer Junior Jack Burgess has made a monumental discovery for the Pitzer community. Last night, he encountered a very wet and transparent substance for the first time ever in his life. Its texture was clean; it literally slid right through his fingers and tell to the ground in much smaller proportions. It was nothing like […] More
This coming week, Student Health Services (SHS) will implement a new plan to solve their staff shortage. In a public statement, they acknowledged the severity of the problem while emphasizing their main priority: finding skilled individuals that can fill in the vacant spots at the clinic. To solve the issue, SHS will be hiring actors […] More
Early last week, Joseph Hillman, HMC ‘20, and his team of student astrologists at Harvey Mudd, once believed to be the only college in Claremont, stumbled across a fascinating discovery while attempting to observe structures lying outside of the Mudd Bubble. Directing a powerful telescope into the abyss, the researchers discerned what appeared to be […] More
Claremont, Calif.–This morning, President Hiram Chodosh called a Press Conference to announce an exciting development within ASCMC. Former Vice-President and current Presidential nominee Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, has officially accepted a role on ASCMC. Hunter has extensive experience performing roles he is vastly underqualified for and says that he is “excited to join the team […] More
Stephanie Miller, SC ’23, knew her Connecticut dogmatism would drastically change the moment she stepped off the plane in Southern California. Never would it have occured to her, however, that a single week in Claremont would transform her political identification from a center-right ponytail into a devout anarchist. She thought–maybe breathing the same air as […] More
CMC’s Writing Center recently expanded its services to include consultations and workshops for drafting Tinder bios and effective “U up?” messages. Since implementing this new service, the Writing Center has seen a 312% increase in student engagement. Mark Longo, CMC ‘21, came back to campus this year with a vengeance. After a long summer of […] More
It was a story straight out of a Brothers Grimm fairy tale… He was a junior and she was a freshman when they locked eyes on the Collin’s Mongolian Wok line that fateful mid-May afternoon. It was a forbidden love: he went to Pomona, she to Pitzer. His parents would never accept he was dating […] More
Protests erupted as “Rocky Thunder Orgasm,” a show horse from Topeka, Kansas, was escorted from Scripps premises last Thursday after repeated complaints from students. The controversy followed a decision from the Scripps College Office of Admission to admit the horse after Orgasm submitted a “staggeringly high” ACT score of 5, according to Scripps Chief Admission […] More
It was 3 pm on a Thursday and all that could be heard were the wallowing screams of a young student in Appleby. The shrieks echoed through the hallways of the dorm, bouncing from wall to wall, reaching new places screams have never reached before. Kate Reich CMC ’22 recalls laying in her bed […] More
Kevin Lock CMC 23’ returned to Green Acres Preparatory School for Kids Who Have Money for SAT/ACT Tutors Academy this past Monday after a weekend filled with the zaniest drinking stories his buddies have ever heard. Kevin arrived on CMC’s campus with the expectation that he’d get plastered with the bros and he wasn’t let […] More
This week, role model and upstanding citizen Sarah Clarke (POM ‘20) made the brave and altruistic decision to not join her friends in their annual trip to Coachella. When asked what inspired her righteous act, Clarke stated “Honestly, I just feel like I’m one drop in a lake, and I just hope that it causes […] More
CLAREMONT, CA– This Valentine’s Day, lonely 5C students awoke to find themselves lonely no more after The Golden Antlers and Harvard Computer Society teamed up to create an irresistibly, deliriously hilarious, optimal matchmaking service. As the #1 ranked satirical newspaper in the world, it was truly no surprise that once again, The GA delivered a […] More
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