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    Extreme Traffic on Route 15 as Students Rush to Vegas With Datamatches Release

     

     CLAREMONT, CA– This Valentine’s Day, lonely 5C students awoke to find themselves lonely no more after The Golden Antlers and Harvard Computer Society teamed up to create an irresistibly, deliriously hilarious, optimal matchmaking service. As the #1 ranked satirical newspaper in the world, it was truly no surprise that once again, The GA delivered a […] More

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    Girl from Seattle Reminds Everyone that She’s Used to the Rain

     

     POMONA COLLEGE – Since the rain started last week, Pomona sophomore Ryan Talbot has not stopped reminding all her friends about the fact that she’s from Seattle and that she’s used to this weather. Having lived in the PNW her whole life, the rain reminds her of home. “Being from Seattle, I used to eating, […] More

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    Mudder Codes Price-Checker for 5C For Sale/For Free

     

     Harvey Mudd freshman Sheldon Meyers thought he was well-acquainted with the overall Claremont student body’s blind classism– until he stumbled upon a posting in 5C For Free/For Sale. “A CMC-er was trying to sell a messy conglomeration of undesirable used items ranging from a half-empty bottle of Neutrogena face wash to a dirty shower caddy. […] More

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    Two Weeks Post-Break, Bay Area Student Struggles to Overcome Jet Lag

     

     School is finally back in session here in Claremont, and Scripps’ weird dirt roads are bustling once more. Even though it may seem like everyone is ready to start looking at and then promptly ignoring assigned readings, some students like Nathan DuPont (Pomona ‘20) are still lagging behind. Traveling back to Claremont after winter break […] More

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    Claremont Vegans Metamorphisize into Soy Burger Patty

     

     When Gregoor Samssa (HMC ‘19) woke up this Wednesday morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous plant-based alternative meat product. He was lying on his squishy as it were soy-plumped back, and when he lifted his head a little, he could see his dome-like brown belly arched in oblong […] More

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    5C Male Population, Exhibiting Signs of Hyperactivity and Irritability for Roughly the Past Month, Now Seem Strangely at Ease

     

     The Claremont Colleges have once again returned to their normal levels of late semester crippling stress and anxiety after the last month saw the student population in the firm grasp of an unexplained phenomenon. The administration is still unsure what to make of the situation which was characterized by a large swath of the student […] More

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    Brilliant First Year Announces that Southern California is “Really Hot”

     

     BREAKING NEWS — Hailing from Needham, Mass., Pomona first year student Cameron Gilder has a made a miraculous observation, causing his peers’ intellect to pale in comparison. While casually strolling to class on Wednesday, Gilder revealed his glorious discovery: “It’s like, really hot here.” Do not make the mistake of grouping Gilder with the rest […] More

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    Oblivious Male in Feminist Film Class Reiterates “The Godfather is a Great Movie”

     

     “The Godfather is a great movie, in fact, it’s one of the best” lauded Pomona junior John Stevenson to his classmates. Stevenson, ignorant to his overwhelmingly female classmates in SC MS 150 Feminist Film Herstory, continued to celebrate the 1972 film saying it was a triumph for high-brow American film. His classmates, who all simultaneously […] More

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    Campus Security Starts Blog on Party Culture

     

     Sept 2, 2018 Campus Security is committed to fostering a positive, efficient, effervescent, ergonomic, responsible, no fun, lots of fun, fun zone for students, staff, and faculty. In an effort to establish a better rapport with the wider community, this year we’re starting a new blogging initiative to keep the community abreast of our actions […] More

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    5C Jews Say “Fuck It,” Break Fast With Pepperoni Pizza

     

     In a shocking discovery, The Golden Antlers has found that last week a group of Jewish students of the Claremont Colleges decided to break their 26-hour fast for Yom Kippur–the Day of Atonement–by rejecting the shackles of a kosher diet and hitting up Matt from Domino’s for some sunset za’s. The Golden Antlers learned of […] More