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    Transports Reach Record High Due to Parents Weekend 2020

     

     Campus Security published the following statement Monday morning in response to the frightening levels of ambulances that visited campus this past weekend: Parents and Students,  We apologize for the unfortunate and unscheduled on-campus events that happened over Parents Weekend, a tradition of utmost importance to us here at the 5Cs. We have heard your complaints […] More

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    I Keep Seeing Big Bird Everywhere

     

     I didn’t want to say anything but I’m at a fucking breaking point. Why, on my dear mother’s life, does Big Bird occupy every other inch of this campus. I know I know I know, you’ll say what all my “friends” have been saying to me on repeat, “AJ, that isn’t Big Bird, that’s Cecil […] More

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    “I love the Office” and Other Unique Personality Traits to Include in Your Datamatch Bio

     

     Well, it’s that time of year again, folks. Datamatch is here. Putting yourself out there can be hard, but don’t worry–we’ve got your back. First things first, this advice is only for people who either did not participate last year (and therefore have not found the love of their life via Datamatch) or participated last […] More

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    13 Foolproof Lies to Get Your Parents to Send You Money for Alcohol

     

     At the lovely Claremont Colleges, artistic passions span every genre: erotic bookbinding, smearing feces on canvas, or whatever writing Fuck the Golden Antlers on the freedom wall was. But the one creative endeavor we all will pursue during our time here is a delicate dance of trickery followed by immense guilt: getting your hardworking parents […] More

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    CMC Announces Plan to Exclusively Hydrate Walkways by 2022

     

     Sidewalks? More like Tidewalks! Sure, it was cool when Jesus walked on water; but now you can too. After a series of failed sustainability commitments, Claremont McKenna College has finally decided to put its money where its feet are. After California’s record drought in the past decade, CMC’s administration has been forced to think long […] More

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    The Golden Antlers’ Official Statement on “The Incident”

     

     It has recently come to our attention that a miscarriage of justice has been perpetrated against The Golden Antlers. As a publication that holds the utmost integrity when it comes to reporting the truth and giving non-biased information to the public, we realize that someone people may hold grudges against us. However, we bow our […] More

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    Pitzer Student Discovers Water

     

     Pitzer Junior Jack Burgess has made a monumental discovery for the Pitzer community. Last night, he encountered a very wet and transparent substance for the first time ever in his life. Its texture was clean; it literally slid right through his fingers and tell to the ground in much smaller proportions. It was nothing like […] More

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    Student Health Services Hires Actors from LA Casting to Solve Staff Shortage

     

     This coming week, Student Health Services (SHS) will implement a new plan to solve their staff shortage. In a public statement, they acknowledged the severity of the problem while emphasizing their main priority: finding skilled individuals that can fill in the vacant spots at the clinic. To solve the issue, SHS will be hiring actors […] More

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    Harvey Mudd College Entertains Possibility Of Other Claremont Colleges

     

     Early last week, Joseph Hillman, HMC ‘20, and his team of student astrologists at Harvey Mudd, once believed to be the only college in Claremont, stumbled across a fascinating discovery while attempting to observe structures lying outside of the Mudd Bubble. Directing a powerful telescope into the abyss, the researchers discerned what appeared to be […] More

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    Hunter Biden Joins ASCMC

     

     Claremont, Calif.–This morning, President Hiram Chodosh called a Press Conference to announce an exciting development within ASCMC. Former Vice-President and current Presidential nominee Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, has officially accepted a role on ASCMC. Hunter has extensive experience performing roles he is vastly underqualified for and says that he is “excited to join the team […] More

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    Communism 101: New Course Taught by First-Year After Their First Week of College

     

     Stephanie Miller, SC ’23, knew her Connecticut dogmatism would drastically change the moment she stepped off the plane in Southern California. Never would it have occured to her, however, that a single week in Claremont would transform her political identification from a center-right ponytail into a devout anarchist. She thought–maybe breathing the same air as […] More

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