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    Transports Reach Record High Due to Parents Weekend 2020

     

     Campus Security published the following statement Monday morning in response to the frightening levels of ambulances that visited campus this past weekend: Parents and Students,  We apologize for the unfortunate and unscheduled on-campus events that happened over Parents Weekend, a tradition of utmost importance to us here at the 5Cs. We have heard your complaints […] More

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    “I love the Office” and Other Unique Personality Traits to Include in Your Datamatch Bio

     

     Well, it’s that time of year again, folks. Datamatch is here. Putting yourself out there can be hard, but don’t worry–we’ve got your back. First things first, this advice is only for people who either did not participate last year (and therefore have not found the love of their life via Datamatch) or participated last […] More

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    13 Foolproof Lies to Get Your Parents to Send You Money for Alcohol

     

     At the lovely Claremont Colleges, artistic passions span every genre: erotic bookbinding, smearing feces on canvas, or whatever writing Fuck the Golden Antlers on the freedom wall was. But the one creative endeavor we all will pursue during our time here is a delicate dance of trickery followed by immense guilt: getting your hardworking parents […] More

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    Why Didn’t You Share Our Last Article?

     

     Reports indicate that you, a “devoted” fan of The Golden Antlers, failed to share our last article. Not that it matters, but this information certainly is very interesting, considering the level of relevance it held to your life and the out-loud chuckles that escaped you whilst reading it. But alas, you did not repost it […] More

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    Pitzer Student Discovers Water

     

     Pitzer Junior Jack Burgess has made a monumental discovery for the Pitzer community. Last night, he encountered a very wet and transparent substance for the first time ever in his life. Its texture was clean; it literally slid right through his fingers and tell to the ground in much smaller proportions. It was nothing like […] More

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    Help! Cecil Got Abs and Won’t Stop Fucking My Roommate!

     

     To the Pomona Administration and Trustee Board, With Great Urgency:  I am currently embroiled in a crisis with Pomona housing that has lasted almost a month now. I have gotten no response from Housing and Residential life even though I have sent several strongly-worded emails. I am very vexed about this issue and don’t know […] More

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    Communism 101: New Course Taught by First-Year After Their First Week of College

     

     Stephanie Miller, SC ’23, knew her Connecticut dogmatism would drastically change the moment she stepped off the plane in Southern California. Never would it have occured to her, however, that a single week in Claremont would transform her political identification from a center-right ponytail into a devout anarchist. She thought–maybe breathing the same air as […] More

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    Impressive First-Year Pomona Class Includes Jesus Christ himself

     

     After her thoroughly impressive and frankly, heart-warming, in no way problematic, or drowning-in-booze, god-why-are-we-here first speech of the year, Pomona president Gabby Starr announced the striking line up of this year’s first-year class. As the nervous first-year peers sat in the crowd vibrating like cold chihuahuas, they looked around spellbound by our new additions to […] More

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    Student has Breakdown About not Having a Breakdown Yet

     

      It was 3 pm on a Thursday and all that could be heard were the wallowing screams of a young student in Appleby. The shrieks echoed through the hallways of the dorm, bouncing from wall to wall, reaching new places screams have never reached before. Kate Reich CMC ’22 recalls laying in her bed […] More