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    The Golden Antlers Strongly Condemns Child Abuse, Why Hasn’t the TSL?


     The Golden Antlers have received numerous complaints that we have erroneously abbreviated “The Student Life” to “The TSL,” which, of course, makes no sense. We take these mistakes seriously, and as soon as we return to campus, all offending writers will face public and draconian punishments such as enduring the Oldenborg dining experience.  Since I […] More

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    Cracking Down: Pomona-Pitzer Athletics Announces “No TV for Two Weeks” for PP Football Player


     Over the last week, the Pomona-Pitzer Athletics Department has faced outcry from 5C athletics teams and community members over lack of decisive action against a Pomona-Pitzer football player whose discriminatory TikToks were circulated on social media last weekend. But just this morning, in what some are calling a “landmark win for accountability,” Pomona-Pitzer Athletics released […] More

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    The Worm Trolley Problem


     Imagine you are in a trolley that is zooming along a track. Oh no! Ahead you see hundreds of worms squirming on the track, and you are mere seconds away from squooshing all of them. But wait! There is a second track, and there is a lever in your trolley. You can pull the lever […] More

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    Worms Love Getting Eiffel Towered (We Checked). Who are We to Stop Them?


     Recently, the staff at the Golden Antlers has been exploring our deep love for worms. Our readers may have noticed an uptick in worm-related content. We can’t help it! We just looove worms – can’t get enough of them! Why, you ask? Because just like every single person on the staff of the Golden Antlers, […] More

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    OPINION: Gummy Worms Demand (and Deserve) Equal Employment Opportunities in Agricultural Sector


     On a crisp March morning, a few dozen gummy worms gather outside the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) headquarters in Washington D.C. They ranged from sour coated to tropical flavored to vegan-friendly, but they all had one thing in common: they came to demand equality.  The USDA has a long history of discrimination. Nearly […] More

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    OPINION: I can’t stop fucking worms.


     By Wormy William Now, I know what you’re thinking. Fucking worms: weird, right? That’s what I thought at first too, but I’m here to set the record straight. I’ve lived in the proverbial compost bin long enough, and now I’m ready to come clean about getting dirty. I can’t stop fucking worms. It started innocent […] More

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    OPINION: Have worms been feeling really good in your mouth lately?


     Hello. Have worms been feeling better than usual in your mouth recently? Like they feel like they belong there now? I don’t know maybe it’s just me. But I feel like it can’t be my mouth. I think it’s the worms themselves. Normally putting worms in my mouth is like: “okay, time to put worms […] More

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    Food for Worms: Five Recipes Even the Pickiest Worm Will Love


     We know you’re sick of hearing your worms shout for decaying roots and leaves every night for dinner, so we compiled some tried and true recipes to get your worms eating a variety of healthy foods.  Dirt.  That’s right, we’re talking a little topsoil action. Even your most fussy little worm can’t resist some nice, […] More

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    Gridlock in the Pitzer Student Senate: Minority Leader Mitch McConnell to Oppose Confirmation of Merrick Garland to Campus Aesthetics Committee


     In an uncharacteristically fiery speech delivered Friday on the floor of the iconic Pitzer Student Senate, Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell alleged that Merrick Garland, the Biden administration’s nominee to head the Campus Aesthetics Committee, would wreak havoc on the campus’ “traditional American values”. McConnell, who infamously refused to bring a vote to both Garland’s […] More

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    Emily Parks Illegally in the Village… She’s Such a Silly Goose!


     This just in: Emily is a Silly Goose. Perhaps you’ve seen her skipping through campus fountains, getting Peter to calm down at a party by saying: “Guys I know him. Listen to me, Peter, this isn’t you,” trying to become tiktok famous “as a joke,” or playing the devil’s advocate in her calculus class. We […] More

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    Harvey Mudd Senior Realizes That Texas Senator Is Not Former 2000s Pop Star Taio Cruz


     In a shocking revelation last night, Harvey Mudd Student Edward Chang was found to have mistakenly thought the acting Texas Senator was former British musician Taio Cruz instead of actual Senator Ted Cruz.  Chang exposed himself over social media after a tweet commentating on the recent Texas blackouts. After a follower asked him to elaborate […] More

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