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    Students Say “Neigh” to the Admission of a Horse into the Scripps Class of 2023

     

     Protests erupted as “Rocky Thunder Orgasm,” a show horse from Topeka, Kansas, was escorted from Scripps premises last Thursday after repeated complaints from students. The controversy followed a decision from the Scripps College Office of Admission to admit the horse after Orgasm submitted a “staggeringly high” ACT score of 5, according to Scripps Chief Admission […] More

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    The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First Years: Pitzer Edition

     

     Back so soon? Lusting for more content? A helpless Pitzer first-year in desperate need of guidance? If you consider any of the proceeding statements to be true about yourself, read on! We are extremely knowledgeable and we’re here to help, and today, we’re extending a hand to Pitzer first-years. #Gratitude Start all new nondenominational cults […] More

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    Save The Golden Antlers

     

     Dear Golden Antlers readers, It is with heavy hearts that we announce that the Golden Antlers is facing a serious threat of a total and complete shutdown. Since barely escaping shutdown six years ago, we have been excommunicated from the safety of the consortium governments. We’ve been gasping for air, barely surviving on thin ice.  […] More

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    Scripps College Should be a Safe Space: Remove All Womxn so I Feel Comfortable

     

     Fellas, we’ve all been there. You’re walking through Scripps College, the women’s college’s campus alone when suddenly, an all-consuming aura of queasiness possesses you. You feel a compelling urge to grab your keys and put them between your knuckles as if you’re Wolverine. You dial 911 on your phone and keep it open, just in […] More

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    Student’s Decision to Skip Coachella Entirely Based on Moral Values and Not the Fact that They Spent All Their Money On JUUL Pods

     

     This week, role model and upstanding citizen Sarah Clarke (POM ‘20) made the brave and altruistic decision to not join her friends in their annual trip to Coachella. When asked what inspired her righteous act, Clarke stated “Honestly, I just feel like I’m one drop in a lake, and I just hope that it causes […] More

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    I Pledge Not to View Any Pictures of Jeff Bezos’s Penis

     

     In a medium post released today, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos offered news that has shaken America to its core. According to Mr. Bezos, the vile tabloid National Enquirer has secured a series of compromising images of the CEO and his lover. The National Enquirer has threatened to release these pictures if Bezos refuses to end […] More

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    Girl from Seattle Reminds Everyone that She’s Used to the Rain

     

     POMONA COLLEGE – Since the rain started last week, Pomona sophomore Ryan Talbot has not stopped reminding all her friends about the fact that she’s from Seattle and that she’s used to this weather. Having lived in the PNW her whole life, the rain reminds her of home. “Being from Seattle, I used to eating, […] More

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    DataMatch is Coming to the 5Cs!

     

     Tinder got you down? Has rainy weather made you realize how lonely you are? Tired of thinking last Thursday’s TNC hookup was the one that got away? Say no more! The Golden Antlers has teamed up with the Harvard Computer Society (HCS) to bring a real and free match making service to the 5Cs this […] More

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