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    2020 Census Counts White Twinks as African-American Females


     Oh no, sis! It’s #twinkgate. At last Wednesday’s White House Press Conference, Secretary Psaki announced that 2020 census data, collected virtually due to the coronavirus, will classify white, gay, hairless men as African-American females. When census collection began, the Trump administration planned to label men of this identity as males 15-18 regardless of age. However, […] More

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    Commemorate the Patriarchy with CMC’s Retro Apparel Line


     Finally Claremont McKenna has answered the age-old question, “How can we say we hate having women at our school, but make sure we still get their tuition money?” To celebrate Claremont McKenna’s 75th anniversary, the CMC supply shop now features a “retro line” of clothing and accessories honoring the glorious and objectively putrid era before […] More

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    Pitzer Grants Honorary Degrees to White House Staffers Fired for Smoking Weed


     CLAREMONT, CA —  Pitzer College issued a statement on April 20, 2021 at 4:27 am (they were busy until then) that the college will be granting honorary degrees to former White House staffers who were terminated due to the Biden administration’s policy on past marijuana use. The Golden Antlers has provided the full statement below.  […] More

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    In Lieu of Iconic Green Cap and Gown, Scripps College to Send Each Senior a Hanes Men’s Comfort Fit Undershirt 3-Pack


     Fear not, Scripps Class of 2021! Although seniors will not be receiving the traditional sage green cap and gown, Scripps administration has come up with a much more exciting and innovative alternative: a Hanes Men’s Comfort Fit Classic White Undershirt 3-Pack.  Scripps College has remained incredibly transparent throughout the whole process, announcing their inability to […] More

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    The Golden Antlers Strongly Condemns Child Abuse, Why Hasn’t the TSL?


     The Golden Antlers have received numerous complaints that we have erroneously abbreviated “The Student Life” to “The TSL,” which, of course, makes no sense. We take these mistakes seriously, and as soon as we return to campus, all offending writers will face public and draconian punishments such as enduring the Oldenborg dining experience.  Since I […] More

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    Cracking Down: Pomona-Pitzer Athletics Announces “No TV for Two Weeks” for PP Football Player


     Over the last week, the Pomona-Pitzer Athletics Department has faced outcry from 5C athletics teams and community members over lack of decisive action against a Pomona-Pitzer football player whose discriminatory TikToks were circulated on social media last weekend. But just this morning, in what some are calling a “landmark win for accountability,” Pomona-Pitzer Athletics released […] More

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    The Worm Trolley Problem


     Imagine you are in a trolley that is zooming along a track. Oh no! Ahead you see hundreds of worms squirming on the track, and you are mere seconds away from squooshing all of them. But wait! There is a second track, and there is a lever in your trolley. You can pull the lever […] More

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    Worms Love Getting Eiffel Towered (We Checked). Who are We to Stop Them?


     Recently, the staff at the Golden Antlers has been exploring our deep love for worms. Our readers may have noticed an uptick in worm-related content. We can’t help it! We just looove worms – can’t get enough of them! Why, you ask? Because just like every single person on the staff of the Golden Antlers, […] More

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    OPINION: Gummy Worms Demand (and Deserve) Equal Employment Opportunities in Agricultural Sector


     On a crisp March morning, a few dozen gummy worms gather outside the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) headquarters in Washington D.C. They ranged from sour coated to tropical flavored to vegan-friendly, but they all had one thing in common: they came to demand equality.  The USDA has a long history of discrimination. Nearly […] More

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    OPINION: I can’t stop fucking worms.


     By Wormy William Now, I know what you’re thinking. Fucking worms: weird, right? That’s what I thought at first too, but I’m here to set the record straight. I’ve lived in the proverbial compost bin long enough, and now I’m ready to come clean about getting dirty. I can’t stop fucking worms. It started innocent […] More

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    OPINION: Have worms been feeling really good in your mouth lately?


     Hello. Have worms been feeling better than usual in your mouth recently? Like they feel like they belong there now? I don’t know maybe it’s just me. But I feel like it can’t be my mouth. I think it’s the worms themselves. Normally putting worms in my mouth is like: “okay, time to put worms […] More

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