After their biannual (every two years) meeting to discuss things about school or whatever, the presidents of the Claremont Colleges came to a unanimous decision. In a statement released at completely different times over the course of two days and across various mediums (email, crayon-written letter, and bird shit painted on the windows of the cube) the presidents announced that due to the rise in COVID-19 cases and the decrease in revenue, they would be shifting the remainder of the Spring 2022 semester to an NFT format.
All classes will be canceled, and spent tuition dollars will be converted into unique, one-of-a-kind NFTs. Pitzer’s presidential statement, praised the future of cryptocurrency, and boldly asserted that “NFTs are much more valuable than any classes or dorm kickbacks you’ll ever experience in your life.”
“Let’s be real, none of these stupid fuckers can think critically. I mean we even convinced them that these haunted movie sets we purchased in 2003 were the “Ivies of the West.’ If we give them a chance to truly, finally, make their education non-fungible while simultaneously destroying the Amazon rainforest, they’ll leap on it,” wrote CMC President Hiram Chodosh in a leaked email to his mother.
The shift also comes after the Claremont Colleges’ recent bid for national publicity by making the evilest choices possible has failed. “I guess the news media just doesn’t care if we lock students up and force feed them mold like they used to,” said Gabi Starr in a real email to me.
The NFT strategy is two-fold. By becoming the first NFT-only institution of higher education in the world, the Claremont Colleges will be shot to the top of the popular r/crypto and r/nftexchange subreddits. This publicity boost will ensure that more local heirs, heiresses, and hexrs tell their nursemaids to apply to college for them, giving the schools a critical boost in income. “Maybe I can buy a better therapist with all the dogecoins I’ll be getting,” said the ninth Scripps Interim dean, Laura Mary Jane Earhart III.
Secondly, the NFT-only strategy will cut costs. The Claremont Colleges will be able to send all of the students back home, fire all of their underpaid staff members, and get all those pesky professors to go back to the East Coast where they belong. Since NFTs are non-fungible, and therefore, extremely valuable, tuition costs will stay the same and profits will soar. Students majoring in media studies will not be able to receive their education as an NFT and will instead be shot, which will also save costs and essential oxygen reserves!
In a shocking manifesto faxed to our office, the head librarian at Honnold Mudd praised the plan. “Once they tear this stupid library down maybe I’ll finally be able to find a way out and see sunlight again! I can’t wait to go see my favorite New York City landmark, the World Trade Center!”
“No the students won’t be ‘learning anything,” said Melvin Oliver as he dumped student COVID test tubes into a lake, “but were they learning anything to begin with? None of the programs at the Claremont Colleges will allow any of these students to get a real job, like being a Twitch streamer or a consultant. With NFTs, the students can make a critical investment in my – fuck sorry what was the line? Oh right. Investment in their futures.”
Note: Maria Klawe could not be reached for comment, as it turns out Harvey Mudd was only invented so the brochures could have five pretty logos on them.