As the historic California drought enters its fourth year, all Claremont Colleges are considering ways to drastically reduce water usage. New surveys report that over 80% of Pomona, Pitzer, Scripps, and Harvey Mudd students care deeply about reducing their water footprint. Comprehensive analyses of CMC’ers, however, reveals they “don’t really give a fuck.”
This made the Associated Students of Claremont McKenna College’s (ASCMC) decision Friday morning to overhaul CMC’s water usage policy all the more surprising. In fact, many current students seemed genuinely surprised the issue of water usage had been raised at all. Junior Justin Ward had this to say on the matter: “People actually care about water here? Do we even have an environmental analysis major?”
Fact-checking by Golden Antler’s highly trained investigative reporting team revealed that the school does indeed have an EA major, but the program is nothing more than a small, sad conglomerate of students from CMC, Mudd, Scripps, and Pitzer who, at the end of sophomore year, had all failed to declare a major and thought playing in dirt for another two years sounded entertaining. The EA program at Claremont McKenna is under further scrutiny as it was revealed that one CMC student currently on the EA track exclusively takes Pitzer classes, lives in a tent behind the Grove House, and has been trying to transfer since the end of Freshman year.
More generally, we’ve been impressed by how quickly CMC has reacted to the new concerns over water. One notable response to the new policy is Dean Spellman’s new seminar on “Comprehending Non-Renewable Resources: water, natural gas, oil, your father’s oil money, and Scripps freshman.” We here at GA, in constant pursuit of truth and transparency, have attached a copy of ASCMC president Pill Wu’s email explaining the policy.
Water is the issue at hand today. It turns out, we don’t have enough of it. Many of our peer institutions (fuck Pomona, right? haha) suggest turning off the fountains would do more than enough to adequately address the problem. We feel that turning off the fountains, or really following any of their advice, much like admitting students based on merit rather than endowment contribution, is one of those changes that, while easy to make, would fundamentally alter who we are.
Instead, we have crafted a four-fold plan to reduce water usage, focusing on areas of campus where we feel water is relatively unnecessary.
- As of October 2015, all parties at CMC will ban all fresh water in order to cut down on superfluous water used for the nonsensical concept of ‘sobering up’.
- We know most CMC’ers don’t do this anyways so for good measure, so we will exclusively serve hard alcohol, as we feel the water/alcohol ratio in beer and wine can no longer be justified in today’s dire conditions.
- We will be forming our own non-profit to distribute Franzia and Natty Light for students as they leave CMC parties in hopes that such diuretics will allow students to assist in watering the remaining 3 bushes on campus.
- We will also be banning all Pomona Freshman from attending our parties as new studies have shown a startling influx, and I don’t need any fancy statistics to prove how much water those pseudo-intellectual lightweights drain each time they come around.
All-in-all, we at ASCMC think this policy will significantly reduce the water wasted on campus, and who knows, more alcohol to go around may even help of few of the freshman get laid, so there’s that. And remember, should you go overboard, feel free to vomit in one of our many bountiful fountains. The water is cleaned and replaced every half hour.
Peace, Love, and Capitalism
– Pill Wu