The Claremont Colleges reported early this week that last semester’s grade point averages were the lowest they have ever been. The Consortium administration estimates that overall averages have fallen by approximately 5 points from last year’s numbers.
News of plummeting grades comes amid widespread reports that students are intentionally failing classes in order to boost
their GPA’s. Resident CMC genius Sean Adler ’13 explains, “I am a senior and I still don’t understand the 12 point scale. I mean how the hell am I supposed to explain a 10.7 in a job interview. What does that even mean?” he queried. “No, much better to fail a few classes and end up with a 3.9” Adler concluded.
Perhaps the most surprising development in The Golden Antlers‘ investigation of this story is that the administrations at all five schools appear to be fine with the change in work ethic.
CMC lame duck President Pam Gann appears surprisingly unconcerned by the destruction of the College system. Top advisor and shamed Ex-Dean Dick Voss says, “ We are following the George W. Bush policy of throwing our handsome, innocent, successor under the bus.” Hiram Chodosh, the successor in question, was reportedly extremely upset at this news however, sources report “he still looked incredibly hot, even while crying.” Dean Spellwomen has unsurprisingly blamed the alcohol, and has once again called for a ban of TNC.
All of the Colleges are experiencing the same mass failures except Pomona College. Pomona College has a longstanding tradition of grade inflation and guarantees a B to all students capable of physically finding their classrooms on the first day. PP football player and aspiring stripper Jordy Bank ’15 remarks, “I spent the whole semester trying to fail my classes and still came up with a god damn 11.3!” He continued, “In my Women’s Studies class my final presentation was a defense of Chris Brown and I still received an A-. In Philosophy I only spoke in Klingon and refused to submit papers in anything but Wingdings.” Banks shook his head, “My teacher told me to consider majoring in that shit.”
However, the vast majority of Pomona Students are not too concerned since, “we are pretty much only qualified to be professors anyways!”
North of 9th street, the Pitzer administration has actually encouraged the new failure fad since students finally appear to be receiving jobs not related to the pharmaceutical distribution industry. Plus, many professors in the Creative Studies department (that’s a real department), say they enjoy the designs students have created on their failed scantron exams.
Harvey Mudd has not noticed too much of a drop since most students work their asses off and seem to fail most classes anyways. Those who do not fail just hack the registrar to give themselves failing grades anyway.
Scripps administration has given cautious approval of student failure stating, “We recognize that in the end, it’s a numbers game. We figure this will not hurt our girls’ ability to seduce Mudd and CMC students into marriages without prenups.”
– Ender Wiggin ’15 CMC
*** Hey Pomona/Scripps/Harvey Mudd/Pitzer students, are you sick of our CMC sass? Join our staff and make fun of CMC to your heart’s content! We can dish it, but can we take it too? email thegoldenstagonline@gmail.com to get involved.
This is funny, well done.
Loved this. Well done!
this newspaper is the best thing to come out of claremont in a while. thanks CMC, you proved you have wit, too!!
Ho, Ender.
Mudd doesn’t use the dumb 12 point scale. Not only are Mudd’s students smarter than the other colleges’ students; the administration is smarter than the others’ too.