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Claremont Vegans Metamorphisize into Soy Burger Patty


When Gregoor Samssa (HMC ‘19) woke up this Wednesday morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous plant-based alternative meat product. He was lying on his squishy as it were soy-plumped back, and when he lifted his head a little, he could see his dome-like brown belly arched in oblong symmetry on top of which the bed quilt could hardly keep in position and was about to slide off completely. His numerous sphere toes, which were pitifully pebble-like compared to the rest of his thiccccc bulk, sat helplessly before his eyes.

“What has happened to me?,” he thought. It was no dream. His room, a regular human bedroom, only rather too small, lay quiet between the four familiar Norf dorm walls.

Gregoor Samssa was not alone. At the crack of 2:16 am, December 5th, 2018, each self-reporting Claremont Vegan awoke to the pink squishy flesh of a soy burger patty body, Making the Romaine Epidemic of 2018 appear like a diminutive, pathetic flea, the Soy Burger Patty reigns supreme in Claremont epidemic history as many students realize their worst nightmare.   

Presidents of each college met to discuss the event, consulting the Claremont Police Department, and the resident community Reiki healer. Sustainability coordinators have begun burning sage to call the spirit of Gov. Jerry Brown upon those vegans devoted to environmental causes suffering the consequences of this devilish twist of fate.

The Health Center and Monsour remain unresponsive–after six hundred calls, many of the nurses continue to claim no knowledge of the ‘incident.’ The Golden Antlers’ internal investigation found the culprit to be the lack of legitimate non-soy vegan options across the 5Cs, we are now accepting recommendations to ameliorate the situation.

The metamorphosized patties can be found booping around the campus, frustrated with their transformed state yet alas, studying for finals rolling through the doors of Honnold regularly.


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