On July 5th, Pomona was hit with some dreadful news: no longer can the Sagehen community complain about what a massive burden it is to be “America’s #1 College.” Forbes recently released their 2016 college rankings, and Pomona is *gasp* SEVENTH on the list. Members of the school are understandably gutted: “I don’t know what to do now. My life has no meaning. There’s nothing left to do but drop out,” said one student dressed in a Harvard: Pomona College of the East shirt who preferred to remain anonymous.
Interestingly, instead of directing their anger and resentment outwards towards the schools higher-ranked than Pomona, much of the unrest has taken place within the bounds of the Pomona community starting a type of “Class-Warfare”.
Barney Landers ’19, the self-assumed spokesperson for his class, has accused the students of 2020 of being too trusting of the system and allegiant to the admissions office. “They think that Big Admissions made no faults in letting them in. Who’s to say what school they really stand with! I mean just a few months ago they were touring our rivals and applying to schools like Harvard, Williams, and even Stanford! You know what, I bet they still receive emails from those other institutions.” In a rebut, Clitary Hilton ‘20 accuses the class of 2019 of being too unreasonable and naive: “They’ve got their heads in the clouds thinking they’ll always be #1. They don’t realize they’re coasting on the hard work of their elders. All they’ve done this past year is drink coffee at the Motley and write petitions to ‘make things happen,’” she argues.
While the classes of 2019 and 2020 continue to bicker back and forth, we spoke with the president of the class of 2018, Ronald Trumble. Trumble exclaimed, “This is a HUUUGE problem! Those underclassmen are coming in and they’re cheaters and freeloaders. I love the sophomores and I’m sure I’d have many friends in the incoming class but we just can’t keep taking these chances. We’ve held a poll on our Facebook page and we’ve decided to build a wall between North and South campus so as not to let any of the lesser underclassmen in. That way it doesn’t matter whether it’s 2020 or 2019’s fault. We get them all in one swoop. Oh and of course we’ll make them build it.”
“As for now,” summarizes Student Body President Mubarak Ohana ‘17, “We need to accept that, at the moment, the leaders of Forbes are not our allies and we must first attempt to reestablish a balance between our classes. Then we can look forward into the future with hope that the US News and World Report Convention will bring us the results we are looking for.”