CMC Art Initiative “Almost Definitely” a Front For Socialist Hippie Commune

This past month Miles Bird, ASCMC’s Vice President, announced his intention to form an Arts Council to “increase the presence of art on CMC’s campus.”  Ever since  news of this astounding proclamation  reached the student body, the campus has reverberated with negative sentiment.

The Winston Churchill Society released an official response to what they have called “the greatest debacle since Claremont Men’s College began admitting women.”  The statement received unanimous endorsement from the club’s board and, by extension, Churchill himself.  The club’s press statement argues, “It’s ‘Civilization prospers with commerce’ not ‘Civilization prospers with bullshit creative splatterpainting motherfuckery.’”

Said Aseem Chipalkatti, Campus Organizations Chair, “they applied for funding for Green cards, I thought it was some sort of weird painting reference I didn’t understand.”  The visibly embarrassed Chipalkatti noted, “turns out they just wanted money to bribe the Student Health Center to provide them with licenses to purchase medical marijuana.”

ASCMC President and Chair of the Arts Council, Aditya Pai ’13, did not deny the Arts Council’s connection to the Socialist Party of America.  He further noted that the entire program was funded by Barack Hussein Obama who mentioned that if they “felt like swearing their undying allegiance to Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels” he “would not stand in [their] way.”

Said Christie Capper ’15 Arts Council member, Hugo Chavez “had some pretty good ideas.”  Ideas that, according to Capper, made her want to “smoke a J and sing James Brown, man”

Robert Day, despite being 100% alive, rolled over in his grave upon hearing the news.

In response to the perceived threat from the Arts Council, the Student Investment fund picketed the group’s meetings with signs like “Try to pry this Bloomberg Terminal from my cold dead fingers!” and “Give me capitalist Wall Street or give me death!”

Ironically, the signs were painted and decorated entirely by CMC’s newly formed Arts Council.

-Clancy Tripp ’15 CMC