Much to the horror of the Claremont community, Forbes Magazine released its eagerly awaited ranking of the top 650 colleges and universities in America. Upon finding Claremont McKenna College nowhere on the list, college officials decided it was time to”throw in the towel.” Dean of Students Mary Spellwoman spoke to GA reporters, “ever since 1946 we’ve had a good run” before concluding that CMC’s day in the sun (or, roughly 342 days in the sun annually) was over.
Dean of the Faculty Nicholas Warner explained to GA writers, “At this point I’m not even sure if we’re legally allowed to grant degrees anymore” and noted that he was pretty sure Forbes’ decision automatically revokes all Bachelor of Arts certificates awarded to alumni of the college within the past ten years.
The Office of the Registrar’s administrative assistant Joellen Hersh admitted that she wholeheartedly agreed with the decision to close the school’s doors, noting that she felt “CMC has been kinda running out of steam ever since we let women in anyways.”
Where once CMC students inflated their ranking by 4 to 5 spots, current Economics major Greg Zackary estimates that inflating CMC’s ranking by 650 would be “a little much, even for us.” CMC junior Peggy Worsch used to proudly proclaim “Harvard is great and all, but I’m going to the #4 ranked school!” She informed the Golden Antlers staff mournfully, “Now I’m just like, ‘It’s not a community college! At least, I don’t think it is. Ok it might be. But still, pragmatism!!”
Representative of the Econ-Accounting majors Noah Smith divulged crucial information to GA staffers, explaining that while he was definitely “not enthused” about his number one idol since like, for-fucking-ever, dismissing his existence, he had, in fact, predicted the school’s inevitable end three years ago by plotting the decline of Mozzarella Sticks and the rise of TNC fencing.
Yet CMC isnt the only school infuriated by Forbes’ snub, Annoyed by Stanford’s first place spot, Pomona students already began sporting t-shirts that read “Stanford, the Pomona of Nor Cal.”
Dean Eric Vos quickly found the silver lining in being slighted by Forbes; “On the plus side, buh-bye housing crisis!” he exclaimed, clicking his heels in glee. Vos then proceeded to “pour one out for Poppa Vos” and send “shouts-out to [his] homies in forced-retirement.”
Hiram Chodosh could not be reached for comment, but former President Pamela Gann offered some parting words. “Thank god I got off that sinking ship just in time!” cackled Gann as she sped off in her yellow Lamborghini and leather pantsuit.
– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15
With jokes contributed by David Leathers CMC ’15, Haley Patoski CMC ’14, and Dante Toppo CMC ’15.