While the different dining halls at the 5Cs are all individually known for their different specialties, whether it be steak, berry day, prison-labor furniture or warm cookies fresh out of the oven, many who have ventured into Collins dining hall come away focused not on what can be found amongst the food stations, but what can’t: the elusive banana. The banana, an edible fruit – botanically a berry – produced by several kinds of large herbaceous flowering plants in the genus Musa. In some countries, bananas used for cooking may be called plantains, in contrast to dessert bananas. This is an important distinction. What’s more important, however—and the crux of this article— is that Collins doesn’t fucking have them. Why, you may ask? The Golden Antlers launched into a semester-long investigation to answer this very question. Going undercover at Collins for no less than three months, I worked to establish organic relationships with CMC students who frequented the dining hall and slowly gained their trust by talking about the innumerable benefits of whey protein powder and the cinematic masterpiece that is The Wolf of Wall Street—making sure to carefully navigate between rumors and truth. Thus, after months of meticulous, painstaking investigative work and far too many conversations about financial consulting startups, we at the GA can now confidently give our valued readers the true reason behind Collin’s banana mystery: years ago, CMC bros banded together and voted to remove all bananas from Collins because they got tired of saying “no homo, bro” every time they accidentally made eye-contact while eating the curved yellow fruit. In an effort to avoid such homoerotic faux pas—the possibility of which keeps many a CMC bro up at night—the CMC bros found themselves unexpectedly benefitting from an unforeseen benefit of the banana purge: an influx of Scripps girls at Collin’s lunch and dinner. The downside: they were all lesbians that were just there to avoid the oppressive phallic nature of bananas.