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CMC Freshman Shocked to Discover God is Female Upon Accidentally Wandering Into Scripps Class


Robbie Williams is thrilled to be studying at Claremont Mckenna after enduring four brutal years at one of New York City’s WORST $45,000/year private high-schools. After struggling through the rough streets of Manhattan, being forced to dine at five-star restaurants, and live in his parent’s $10,000/month apartment, Williams was dying to get out.

“One of the things that like definitely made me choose CMC over like Columbia and NYU was like I’m really able to hold on to all my morals that I grew up with, you know? Also, the location is like super rad. I mean, like, CMC is obviously super beautiful but I can like also go explore that strange little Spanish villa up the street whenever I want.”

So it was that Williams accidentally found himself lost on Scripps campus, wandering aimlessly through Balch on a sunny Thursday afternoon. Speaking yesterday from his dorm, he recounted how:

“As I was like checking out the weird rooms, I heard someone talking about some glass ceiling thing and I was like ‘Oh word! I fucking love the Cube!’ But like as I walked into the room to hear what was up, I was like so overcome with all this like deep wisdom. Like, my mind was so free— like in that Leo movie with the all the dreams, you know? Then I saw her. She like descended down from the sky with the smile of Emma Watson and the grace of a billion Beyoncés. I just like knew I had found her— the one true God. And she was a woman!”

With this discovery, Williams has decided to shift his lifestyle a little bit as this experience really opened his eyes. “I mean at first I was like so confused, because I always assumed that God was a dude. Like whenever we talked about God in class, I thought of a super jacked guy like me. You know, the typical brotein shake drinker, gym rat, type of homie. But like, I saw God, and she was female, and let me tell you something, she’s fucking hot. Like a solid 9.5/10.”

Since the incident, bros all around Claremont McKenna’s campus have been flooding to Appleby lounge just to hear William’s story. CMC Senior Chad Taylor tells us that, “I was not a strong believer in God previously, but like when Robbie was telling me about what he saw, I just connected with it. I just feel so woke now, like hell yeah God is a chick!”

An anonymous student who witnessed the commotion in ‘SCR666: Feminist Interpretation of the Bible’ noted how life on campus has changed since the incident. “I guess it’s cool to see guys so supportive of a female God, but I just wish they would stop setting up so many Candle Vigils in the Motley. They’re more of a fire hazard than fucking string lights!”


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