In a leaked budget for the 2018 – 2019 academic year, CMC projects an increase in military spending from $205,000 to $2.3 million.
President Chodosh admits that the budget was first expanded to purchase drones, which arose from a misunderstanding. Several undercover agents had reported to the CMC administration that students were playing with drones around campus. Faculty panicked and demanded that CMC purchase drones to protect the school from a coup. The college purchased 8 military drones. Drone photos are included below, along with photo comparisons to drones used by CMC students.
An anonymous faculty member commented, “I just feel like this mistake could have been avoided.”
This sudden increase in funding begs the question: what the fuck was CMC spending $205,000 on for military purposes? As of 2014, CMC had been planting undercover agents throughout CMC’s campus to encourage good behavior. President Chodosh admits that the inspiration for this idea came from 21 Jump Street, but unfortunately, Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill were not available for the undercover job at CMC. Several of these undercover agents, including Jacksón Smith, have issued statements describing their daily duties at CMC, “So like when someone throws trash on the ground, I say, ‘Hey man, you should pick that up. Hurting the environment is bad for you, bro.’” More recently, some of these undercover agents are responsible for composting in the dining halls. One agent comments, “It’s not just about encouraging good environmental behavior. When someone in the Bauer Reading Room says, ‘maybe I should get some mozz sticks,’ I respond, ‘that caloric intake at this hour is detrimental to your health. It’s better to swag it out with some celery right now.’” After these undercover agents were reported to DOS as “narcs,” President Chodosh began exploring alternative uses for military spending.
Thanks to a fortunate re-allocation of funding, Student Health Services’ budget has been reduced to $7.30 to accommodate the purchase of an F-35 as part of military spending. Our dedicated photojournalists have captured rare footage of the F-35 on top of Bauer, where it landed after drawing a penis in the sky above Pomona’s campus. The Pomona administration does not have a military budget of its own to retaliate, but there are rumors that part of CMC’s military spending is devoted to arming a separatist faction at Pomona “just for funsies.”
In addition to an equipment upgrade, CMC is upgrading all security personnel. Effective immediately, all campus security officers will be replaced with Blackwater security agents.
For years now, students who repeatedly canceled or missed athenaeum dinners were added to a “No Ath List.” Much like the terrorist no-fly list, listed names were not allowed in the athenaeum again, and with this increased military spending, CMC’s newest blackwater security agents will waterboard them in the fountains if they attempt to sneak in. Although electro shock treatment remains slightly out of budget, athenaeum employees are certain that repeat offenders will “get the lesson they deserve in Keck.” The Golden Antlers cannot confirm what secret weapon CMC is hiding in Keck, but rumors include: a BDSM dungeon, a senior suarée to gouge money from prospective alumni, and the rejected grilled chicken from Collins.
And of course, this military spending reaches every corner of CMC, even Theo. Theo is a direct descendant of the first ever police dog. His bloodlines have equipped him with a world renowned nose specially bred to detect bombs, weaponry, and snacks stolen from the Hub. President Chodosh confesses that over 20% of the military spending budget has gone toward Theo’s training. Upon discovering and sharing this information, several CMC students attacked Golden Antlers staff, shouting, “WE FUCKING LOVE THEO YOU FASCIST PIGS.” Our staff members had to be rescued by blackwater security agents and then waterboarded in the fountains for revealing confidential CMC information. One of them was taken to Keck and has not been heard from since. The Golden Antlers is not asking for this staff member’s return, as frankly, he was kind of annoying. But if you see something, say something. Loose lips sink scholarships. Contact our military crisis email 24/7 at firstname.lastname@example.org