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CMC Pre-Professional Club Guide to Freshman Initiation

 

Claremont McKenna College boasts an array of (supposedly) prestigious pre-professional clubs and research institutes that first-year students are encouraged to apply to, not because of their great impact on one’s resume, but because they do great work in their field. Despite CMC’s synergistic nature, a customizable, streamlined process for their initiation into this elite realm has yet to be established. In order to effectively sort the next generation of leaders from the rest of the off-the grid plebeians, GA has compiled a list of effective strategies to ensure a successful transition from high school pretension to collegiate pretension.

  • This is an optional step, but it’s usually a good warm up: pee on your new recruits to assert dominance! Now I know, this has been growing less and less popular over the years but trust me, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and sometimes it needs a Darwinian exercise of employable superiority.
  • Waterboarding is your friend! Utilize until frosh can concisely weave club Mission Statement into casual conversation with an unsuspecting rando in the Frary omelet line.
  • Orchestrate a prison style tattoo sesh of your club logo, tramp-stamp style. Network wherever and whenever you can. There are no rules in the working world.
  • Power hour; if your new recruits aren’t being transported yet from your club’s first party of the year, you’re doing it wrong.
  • Chart a full cross country course through the middle of the 5C’s to simulate the unthinkable physical tolls that multitasking will ravage on your body and soul, slowly gnawing at your ability to feel unfettered joy or really any emotion at all. Men are expected to wear a 3 piece wool suit while women should be in pumps and a mid-length tweed skirt as they perform a full bodied sprint while presenting a project proposal over a bluetooth conference call. Bonus incentive to the first place runner: use your win as a killer resume builder about your real-life experiences as a working professional!
  • Friendship bracelets. We just think this one is nice and cute– and who doesn’t love a couple pieces of string attached to your wrist that smell like a stale NQ lounge after TNC?
  • Hypnosis session! Engrain a drive for success in your frosh by stimulating all 5 senses in what *could be* their future. To set the scene, bring freshmen to Kravis 321 and turn off the lights so their eyes are left helplessly searching amongst complete darkness. You control them now. Warning- they will be nervous but soothe their young professional souls with a hearty glass of bourbon! Put on a smooth mix of Henry Kravis discussing his investments and let his buttery promise of financial gains slowly enrapture the room. Watch as frosh inevitably begin to master the art of the handshake, blindly groping at each other’s palms under the dimmed light of the live Dow Jones projecting on the wall. To perfect the ambiance, substitute incense for a wad of Daddy K’s pocket change to instill a desire to corner the market and develop a wildly inaccurate perception on the value of money!
  • What better way to get to know one another than a networking orgy? Entice young club members with a club sponsored party and watch the magic unfold before your eyes. Don’t worry, their established drive for materialistic gains naturally translates into an unparalleled desire for erotic dominance. Their unrealistically high sexual anticipation of TNC will inevitably lead to a messy sex-tacle of humble bragging and carnal interaction. Don’t forget to gently remind them that they should be screaming their Linkedin handle, not their partner’s name.

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