CMC Removes Roberts and Kravis From Buildings, Plans to Replace with Thomas Hofeller, Pioneer of the Republican Gerrymander

Citing mounting student pressures and a really angry Instagram campaign, the CMC Board of Trustees has decided to replace the names of George R. Roberts and Henry Kravis with alumnus Thomas Hofeller, pioneer of the Republican gerrymander. After graduating from Claremont Men’s College, Roberts and Kravis applied the values they learned to found the trailblazing private equity firm KKR. The current outcry is over the firm’s investment in an energy company disrupting Wet’suwet’en indigenous land with a gas pipeline. 

The Board of Trustees explained their decision in a statement:

“The reports of disruption to indigenous sovereignty and dignity particularly sting as KKR, known for architecting the “hostile takeover,” has a proud history of ethical investing. The decision to cut ties was a difficult one, but after some members, maybe a few dozen, of the 5C community stood in front of our gym for a bit and did what a first-year at Pitzer told us is called “praxis,” we knew what we had to do. While we regret our involvement with KKR—again, shocked and disappointed ?—we look forward to making even more strides towards the principles that CMC was founded upon. That is why we are proud to announce that Roberts and Kravis will be replaced with Hofeller. Thomas Hofeller embodies everything CMC hopes to engender in its student body: a leader (in gerrymandering), an innovator (in gerrymandering), involved in local governance (via gerrymandering), and with a storied legacy (of gerrymandering). While the wounds of our lapse in judgment may not disappear quickly as we cannot officially remove the names until KKR funds Keckixt, we hope that this demonstrated interest in the needs of the student body can begin the process of healing.”

Truly moving. 

An internal memo leaked to the Golden Antlers reveals that Hofeller narrowly edged out another famous CMC alumnus, Randy “The Scorecard Killer” Kraft. Convicted in 1989 for the murder of 16 young men, Kraft graduated in 1968. The story goes that his graduation was postponed because he had to retake his econometrics class, talk about relatable!