Joshua Greggs CMC ’14 disclosed to Golden Antlers reporters at approximately 4:45 pm Tuesday afternoon over beers at his local Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill & Bar that he was eagerly awaiting the CMC Alumni Association New Student Welcome Party in Chicago, Illinois on August 1st. Greggs explained his intentions to “scout for some serious talent” among the many eager admitted students who arrive at the party ready to make best friends acquaintances among peers and current students who, once on campus, they will wave at desperately from across the quad and then never speak to again after orientation week.
Greggs appeared optimistic about “laying groundwork” with the female freshmen who find him alluring and older, and who are unaware of the social stigma that comes with his being rejected by the Student Investment Fund for three consecutive years.
Greggs indicated that his main selling points include a CMS Waterpolo tank that flatters his pecs masterfully, a basic knowledge of conversational Keynesian economics, and the ability to procure alcohol for minors. He was, at press time, optimistic about convincing young, eager students who were born between 1994-1995 that he and Pitney “go way back” and that his close personal ties with the Cougs team guarantee him an in to every LAX apartment party where he could “no doubt, definitely” bring them with him.
As Greggs finished the dregs of his Mucho SkinnybeeTM Margarita, he revealed to Golden Antlers reporters that ever since he was rejected by both the Philosophy, Politics, and Economics Tutorial Program and the Robert Day Scholars Program, he had not exactly “made a killing” with the eager, themed-costume crowd at TNC. He reported his intentions to “slay some 2017 babes” over expensive cheeses and fancy hors doeuvres at the Highland Park home of CMC Alum Mark Seagull ’86.
Golden Antlers analysts estimate that, on the evening of the 1st, Greggs will become increasingly intoxicated until, at around 8:30 PM he offers to give several female Midwestern lacrosse recruits “a tour of the Kravis boardroom chairs, if [they] know what [he] mean[s]” and “take [them] down to cHub town.”
As the interview drew to a close and he paid for his four beers and three Mucho SkinnybeeTM Margaritas, Greggs grew serious. He explained to Golden Antlers reporters, “it’s not jist about gettin’ sum, for me, y’know” and indicated that he was eager to take impressionable recent-high-school grads “under [his] wing” in order to protect them from “creepy older guys who might, like, take advantage of them and stuff.”
– Clancy Tripp CMC ‘15
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