We all remember the months of fruitless searching for Carl Bergdorf, a CMC sophomore who went missing in April 2017. We saw his face on the side of acai bowls from The Spot and kegs at North, but this week Claremont’s own milk carton kid, CMC sophomore Carl Bergdorf, is finally going home to North Quad. After his 6 month ordeal, Bergdorf was found tangled in a string of solar powered fairy lights, dazed and wandering through Seal Court. The victim’s official account was given to the Camp Sec Garden Trauma department early yesterday evening. In the report, Bergdorf recalls surviving on a diet of oranges, lemons, kumquats, acorns, and anemic pomegranates. When pressed for how he could have gotten so lost for so long on the one-block-by-one-block Scripps campus, in an interview with The Golden Antlers, Bergdorf shrugged, saying “After a while, all the manicured shrubs start to look the same. Those courtyards, man,” he continued, “they’re, like, a labyrinth,” to which a Scripps first year–who happened to be passing by–replied, “relatable,” before wandering into a walled garden, never to be seen again. Due to the “The Shining” level of shrubbery at Scripps, Bergdorf was definitely not the first student to fall victim to the Scripps campus. In a related incident, some prospies have described their campus tours as “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-esque,” claiming that bedraggled first years followed their tours around singing “Oompa loompa doompety doo, I have a feminist lesson for you,” each time a cranky Georgetown Day senior mysteriously dropped off the tour. In an effort to verify these claims, The Golden Antlers pulled our best Mudder off of building us a bar and tasked her with doing research to make us some charts: The graph above shows the breakdown of missing persons by college (another graph looking at the number of students lost from each grade was also made, but not posted because we didn’t want to embarrass seniors). The multitude of missing persons cases in which the persons were lost within Scripps is well documented in pencil on torn pieces of notebook paper which are stored in a dusty wastebasket in a corner of the Denison library basement, marked “TOXIC WASTE: DO NOT TOUCH”. Obviously, there has been absolutely no administrative effort to cover up the frequent disappearance of students, and the Scripps administration is clearly proceeding with utmost transparency as we have learned to expect from our benevolent overlords. What sets Bergdorf’s case apart from the rest are the five gender and women’s studies credits Bergdorf accrued during in his ordeal. He has no memory of taking these classes—the credits just magically appeared on his transcript. According to those close to Bergdorf, these classes have had zero impact on Bergdorf and he doesn’t appear to have learned anything. The only remnant of this lost time is an intense obsession with Viola Davis, although according to Monsour Counseling, this is normal for anyone who spends more than three weeks on the Scripps campus.