CMC Student Sells Bed on “5c For Sale for Free,” Wants it Back Because He Is No Longer Getting Any Pussy

     

    Bolton Eurepthra Colton, an economics major at CMC, put his bed up for sale on the 5C For Sale For Free Facebook page on Thursday, September 10, 2016. It was purchased almost immediately by two Pitzer students who chose to remain anonymous.

    “I did what I thought was a full cost-benefit analysis and determined that the benefits of selling the bed were higher.” Colton said of his decision. “I got $53.38 out of the deal so that’s like, pretty dope. That’s like, almost $54.”

    But by Saturday night, Colton regretted his decision.

    “I brought this Pomona chick to my room, right? And like, she gets into my room and she’s like “what the fuck kind of operation are you running here?” And I’m like “dude, I just needed to make some bank, right? Like, you can receive this holy mother of all dicks on the floor? It’s not a problem?” And she just walks the fuck out, ok? And I’m like “dude.” And then I’m like “dude!” a little louder, because maybe she didn’t hear me. And then I’m like “DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.” Because like, if a bitch doesn’t hear you twice, you gotta yell at her until she turns around. That’s how you get women. And then I realized, like I realized that maybe she left because I didn’t have a bed, right? Because I’m attractive, and I’m smart, clearly, because like I’m an econ major, and I’m a nice guy, and obviously when my dad dies I’m gonna be super rich. But anyway, she just left. So anyway. Yeah. I want my bed back.”

    Colton made another post on the “5C For Sale For Free” page offering to take his bed back for $53.39. The two Pitzer students refused to comment. An inside source informed us that their rendition of Tracey Emin’s “My Bed” was sold to the MOMA for 5.3 million.

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