A Golden Antlers Special Investigative Report: why has Story House been so keen to confiscate beer pong tables from North Quad lately? The answer has nothing to do with campus tours — they need them to meet the growing demand for tables at the Wedding Party.
Desperation struck the campus of Claremont McKenna College at approximately 9:02 EST when students learned that Wedding Party tables had sold out in under a minute. A contingent of worried, table-less (and most likely homely) CMC women are reportedly offering their dowries in exchange for a chance to eat at a plastic table surrounded by drunk (read: vulnerable) men.
“Maybe eating catered food in a fancy dress at a college party will help me forget that I’m going to die alone?” worried local CMC junior Jenny Johnson. “All boys want is sex. Well, all I want is to get so intoxicated on cheap wine that I forget about the fact that all boys want is sex,” agreed Maggie Masterson.
Freshman Kyle Jenkins asserted that he would trade his left testicle for a Wedding Party table. He furthered that though he was “seriously attached” to his right testicle, he would be willing to trade both for a VIP table close to the band. ASCMC representative Stephan Claft claimed the $50 price increase for tables where conversation will be nearly impossible due to the hired band playing at deafening levels ten feet away was, “definitely not a ploy because we are over-budget.” This year ASCMC will be charging $10 for every drunken toast and $15 for every song request, “And that’s not because we seriously fucked up on the whole making-a-profit aspect of this whole scenario” Claft emphasized.
Local historian Charlie Moneybags gave The Golden Antlers a little history on the origins of this revelry sans bride and groom:
In February of 2010, Henry Kravis was set to marry his 4th wife (a CMC senior at the time) and planned an elaborate party to be held in the middle of North Quad. All of the students were invited and the campus was buzzing with wedding fever. However, Kravis got cold feet because of his fiancé’s alleged inability to perform the “leveraged buyout” sex position and ran away with another, more limber woman. ASCMC decided not to let some good alcohol go to waste and threw the party without the bride and groom. Thus CMC’s newest tradition was born.
ASCMC’s PR representative James Jewels assured the student body early Monday morning that “Claremont McKenna College continues to offer that real world experience by giving every young woman the opportunity to find her inner drunk bridesmaid and have regrettable sex with a stranger just so that she can feel alive for once in her pathetic life.” Jewels continued, “Also, please buy tickets to the reception. But not because we’re broke or anything. That’s definitely not why I’m begging you to spend more money.”
Tickets to the reception go on sale tonight at 9:00 PM. Golden Antlers analysts expect levels of depression to skyrocket at Scripps College where, reportedly, over 95% of students enrolled in the institution in hopes of landing a rich husband. In hopes of avoiding offense and appealing to a wider audience, ASCMC has planned a gender neutral cake. Atop the sugary treat will preside one bride, two grooms, one broom (transgender bride-groom), one broom (kitchen implement), and one sagehen being hacked to pieces by a chainsaw while a swarm of rats eats its face off, “Just because we can” said ASCMC spokesperson James Jewels.
– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, Charlie Montgomery CMC ’15, Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15, Ender Wiggin CMC ’15, Dante Toppo CMC ’15
** Credit for joke brainstormin’ goes to Jessica Jin CMC ’16 and Ben Turner CMC ’16