CMC to Hold CMC Only Parties in an Effort to Encourage Selective Breeding


“Parties like Thursday Night Club (TNC) are common ways for students to meet one another and form relationships that last a lifetime. Normally these parties are open to the 5C’s and therefore foster cross school mingling,” said CMC Vice President for Student Affairs Sharon Basso. “But as we know CMC students have special traits that are not as common in other colleges in the consortium, we have decided to work to ensure the presence of these traits for generations to come. We envision a world where more people binge drinke, eat dry scoops of protein powder, and are sexually attracted to the cube (but not in a gay way though).”

CMC is encouraging intra-school mating by excluding less fertile spouses from other schools at TNC. The hope is that more CMC students drunkenly make out with each other rather than drunkenly make out substandard mates. The school hopes that these sloppy make outs will eventually turn into beautiful heterosexual relationships which produce children that will learn how to be mediocre skateboarders, just like their parents. 

“CMC students are the cream of the crop and we need more leadership like them in our world. They always think about the other perspective in arguments by being the devil’s advocate and speaking for women so that they don’t have to,” Basso said. 

But to make sure that these lifelong relationships can blossom, the CMC administration has to make sure the party’s energy fosters mating. The songs “Doses and Mimosas” and “UCLA” will each be played exclusively, and 20 cases of beer will already be spilled on the floor before the party begins. 

“We’re excited that our CMC students will hopefully not have to deal with another girl with a passion for poetry or a man who is in an acapella group ever again,” said Basso. 


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