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CMC Trustee Finances Regime Changes in Central America to Impress Scripps Mistress

 

Pictured: Mr. Scrooge McDuckerson inspecting the bananas of United Fruit Company in Guatemala circa 1954.

The Golden Antlers recently obtained a number of declassified documents exposing illicit actions taken by a current Claremont Mckenna College trustee through a Freedom of Information Act request. The information contained in said documents is shocking: they reveal that Mr. Scrooge McDuckerson, during his senior year at CMC, financed clandestine operations in various Central American countries. The objective of said operations was to destabilize the economies and regimes of those states, causing massive social upheaval and civil unrest. When asked for the motivation behind his past actions, Mr. McDuckerson refused to provide a comment to the GA. However, through our state-of-the-art investigative journalism process, we deduced that Mr. McDuckerson wreaked havoc on Central America to impress his Scripps crush who would not acknowledge him at the time.

We reached out to his alleged crush, Miss Eleanor Truth, for a comment. Miss Truth, who now heads the Global Feminist Studies Center of the UN, said “I don’t even know who that dude is”.

Consequently, Mr. McDuckerson’s war crimes were pointless afterall. His orchestration of the Guatemalan coup d’état (1954) only served one purpose: increase the suffering of the people of the Global South. When asked for further comments about whether or not Mr. McDuckerson regrets his war crimes, his legal team issued a statement acknowledging his involvement in the Guatemalan regime change of 1954. Nonetheless, they also did not issue any sort of apology for Mr. McDuckerson’s actions, simply citing “shooters shoot” as a valid explanation for destabilizing Central American states.

Mr. McDuckerson remains a valued member of the Board of Trustees at Claremont McKenna College to this very day.

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