October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and no one is more aware of breasts than the students of Claremont Men’s College.
This year, CMC arranged a unique fundraiser, the proceeds of which went to Susan G. Komen For The Cure. Any time students accidentally saw a bro’s nipple, they reported it to the administration who donated a dollar for each nip spotted.
Dean of Students Mary Spellwoman explained, “We thought this fundraiser would be a fun and unique way to raise money for a worthy cause. We decided to capitalize on CMC’s readily available supply of dudenips, which are the only thing more common on campus than freshmen majoring in ‘politics or econ or something I guess’.” Spellwoman continued, “Also, it sorta worked out with our whole get-students-to-wear-sleeves campaign”, and went on to relate the infamous story of a sophomore whose exposed male mammary glands got too close to a Bunsen burner. Rest in peace right nip, you may be gone but you are not forgotten.
The fundraiser was cancelled after less than a week when it grew to be too expensive for the school to continue. Said Spellwoman, “It ate through almost all of our Make-The-Tiles-Around-The-Cube-Eternally-And-Precariously-Wobbly Fund, 90% of our Glass Ceiling Budget, and all of our CMS football budget.” Spellwoman mourned, “It grew to be more money than the school could afford to spend. CMC students just love them some nips.”
The full-on areola assault had very specific rules, as posted on the CMC website. Sightings had to be accidental, “preferably glimpsed through the loose fucking armholes some dude cut out of his bro tank.” The official rules explicitly stated that, “Nipple sightings in sexual contexts in the privacy of your own bedroom/lounge bathroom/Green Beach are disqualified.”
Additional money was awarded for special circumstances of sightings, such as, “when you’re standing in the grill line at Collins and a guy reaches over your head to grab a plate and pretty much dunks his armpit hair right in your fucking mouth like it’s an Ath teabag” or “when the libertarian next to you in your gov class raises his hand and for the briefest possible instant you miss breastfeeding.”
Only men’s nipples were eligible for the fundraiser. Women’s nipples, explained senior Nick Peterman CMC ’14 (whose frequently visible nips would have garnered an estimated 23% of all fundraiser proceeds) would be, “totally inappropriate for an academic environment.”
Students who wish to make private donations to Susan G. Komen for the Cure may do so online. Students who wish to see some more bro nipples may do so literally all the goddamn time, whether or not they want to.