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CMC’s Raucous Nightlife Chases Out Actual Nightlife

 

The trio of raccoons living in the storm drain beside the Hub is moving on. After a season spent raising her young to the sound of Mo Bamba, the mother of two has had enough. The matriarch, who declined to provide a name, told The Golden Antlers: “I chose this drain sometime last winter. It’s cozy, dark, and secure. Ideal for raising a family. It’s what every girl dreams of, you know? Then the bass started booming. I worry about the structural integrity of my bones. My kits used to go through the garbage with me, now, I can’t even find them on the weekends. I’m taking them and going. I heard there are nicer digs at Pitzer.” 

When asked why she hadn’t chosen another 5C such as ‘forbidden to gather with the spirit of partying’ Pomona or studious Mudd, the raccoon answered, “When I first arrived, I was nearly decapitated by a student going downhill at Mach 1 on a two-piece skateboard with a textbook in one hand and a handle of vodka in the other. What the fuck?” Fair point. She went on to state that she had the opposite problem at the largest of the 5Cs. “Pomona? Do you mean the wasteland? Not a single creature stirs past 10 PM. It is creepy as hell and I’m a raccoon. Nothing scared me until I stumbled upon the draconian rule of the Pomona RAs.”

When the Golden Antlers asked the raccoon matriarch why she had come to a college campus at all, she explained that she had assumed that human children spent their days learning how to walk, sleeping, and eating delicious crispy chicken pieces just like raccoon kits. She says she will move on in the morning when the partiers are likely to be comatose. 

While the family did not stay for long, their presence did not go unnoticed. When asked, Justin Branderson, CMC ’21, said he’d miss watching the pair of raccoons destroy everyone at beer pong. He paused to take a shot, then continued, “Those raccoons are beasts. They drank all the jungle juice they could get their little hands on.” 

Meanwhile, Sarah Gillespie, SC ’23, said she thought she saw a human face in the drain that one time she went to a rager at CMC and is really, really glad that it was just a raccoon. “At first I thought it was the ghost of Adam Smith haunting me for failing my first exam in Econ 50, but I’m glad to know that the daddy of neoliberal economics isn’t disappointed in me. Score!”  

 Likewise, Simon Hedlund, PZ ’20, expressed delight at the idea of the trio settling down at Pitzer. “There’s always space on Pitzer for native flora and fauna,” he enthused, going on to describe the nice hollowed out cactus that would be perfect for a growing family towards the back of the dining hall, which has “got a great view of the dumpsters.” 

Tomorrow morning, CMC will lose valuable members of its community. While not unexpected, it is an unfortunate situation for an institution that already has a reputation for lack of (bio)diversity.

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