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CMS Homecoming Happens Unbeknownst to Fans

Freshman Ben Turner has absolutely no idea where he even is.

This Saturday’s Homecoming game against the Chapman Panthers marked an all-time low attendance record. A staggering percentage of those in attendance were alums who claimed to be “reliving [their] glory days.” Many alums walked out of the football game before half-time; a ’78 grad called the competition, “the worst thing I’ve seen since Claremont Men’s College started admitting girls.”

Julia Cole ’14 calculated that due to the lack of fans in the bleachers she had a 67.45 percent chance of winning one of five CMS Superfan shirts. Meanwhile, the Chapman cheerleading team came and sat on the CMS side noting, “There’s nothing worse than a sad stag.”

In response, Head Coach Kyle Sweeney claimed that there were “at least 100 people there.” He later conceded that “at least 89 of those people were members of the football team.”

The Homecoming game also marked a victory celebration for the landmark Title IX. Captains from all CMS female sports teams showed up to proudly represent their gender and, presumably, show off their rockin’ bods. A 1975 alum, Eric K. Stein, noted that he was “proud of their athletic prowess” and generously declared that they were “just the kind of gals” who would make excellent secretaries at his Fortune 500 company. He teared up with obvious CMS pride as he proclaimed, “I’d be damn proud to pay these girls 75 cents on every dollar I pay my male employees.”

Mohammad Abdul-Rahim has reportedly been gunning for Homecoming Princess since 2011

The voting for the Homecoming Court took place at the Senior Apartments, where upwards of three people showed up to cast their ballots in the contentious battle for a sash and a friendly pat on the back from John Faranda.

“If this is any indication of the results of the 2012 Presidential Election this Tuesday,” predicted Senior Class President Clare Riva ’13, “CMC senior Ari Davis will almost definitely be the next president of the United States of America.”

Not much later the voting was moved to the Ducey Basketball Courts where a Golden Antlers poll reported that approximately 89.4 percent of the school “had absolutely no idea that CMC even had Homecoming. “

Homecoming Court Junior Prince contender Curtis Wang ’14 was overheard remarking to friends in Poppa Lab, “I feel like there was somewhere I was supposed to be today?”

Kyle Weice ’15 won the much-coveted Sophomore Homecoming Prince title. Kyle Weiss ’15 was reportedly devastated.

– Clancy Tripp ’15

(All photos by David Leathers)


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