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Collins’ Decision to Add Water Dispenser Heavily Protested by Students

Ah Collins you magnificent bastard!
Ah Collins you magnificent bastard!

Students lined up in protest today amid rumors that their beloved Collins Dining Hall is adding two more water dispensers to the drink area. Since the days when John Faranda ’29 was a first-year, the complete lack of water dispensers at the college has been a point of pride among the Claremont McKenna College community. GI Bill students just back from the war in our early days reminisced fondly on how the lack of water on campus “was just like Normandy.”

Upperclassmen get teary-eyed remembering the good times when you had to wait for twenty minutes to get a glass of water because the Claremont Quidditch team was thirsty after a tough day pretending to be athletes. Students remember fondly how just one year ago, getting silverware meant having to awkwardly cut through the main plate line.  Unfortunately, nowadays the silverware is located in a convenient location near the seating area.

Speaking in favor of the legislation, unpaid ASCMC President Aditya Pai ’13 said, “This college has a long history of unnecessarily increasing things and I am proud to be a firm supporter of the Vos Legislation. You all doubted me last year before White Party, and look how great that turned out.” (link to Forum article)

In a rare disagreement with his childhood idol, ASCMC Vice President Miles “Grandpa” Bird ’13 told The Golden Antlers, “If this socialist, redistribution of wealth, hippy legislation is passed, I am transferring to La Verne for second semester. I mean, if students hydrate with water, who will drink all the beer?”

Garett Wells ’15 maintained this pose for the full 34 minutes and 11 seconds it took to get his glass of water.

Aside from just being angry, many students are just confused. Longtime Tea Party member and self-described bigot Tim Storer ’15 exclaimed, “ We already have five Mountain Dew machines, three Powerade dispensers, multiple slurpy machines and a whole section dedicated to Chai Tea! Why in God’s (bless Him) name would we need water? This is a slippery slope to the flavored water machines at Pitzer. Only a liberal subhuman would consider drinking Grape Water.”

The silver lining of this whole messy situation is that the college has decided to keep the filtered water dispensers, which dispense at a whopping rate of one liter per semester. Students who found the main dispenser line too short for their liking often will go to one of the small filters to extend the water-gathering process a few extra hours.

While the protests are currently contained, the word has traveled to Pitzer College students, who can actually smell a protest up to five miles away. Despite not knowing what the protest is actually about, these students are rumored to be heading to CMC, so we obviously urge our readers to stay safe indoors tonight and to avoid drum circles at all costs.

We will keep our dedicated followers updated on “Watergate,” as it is now being called, but in the meantime follow @BoatsNH0es on twitter for a live feed!.

– Ender Wiggin ’15 CMC


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