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Dear CMC and Pomona: Just Fuck Already

 

We can’t be the only ones who have noticed. The endless bickering. The matching mottos. The constant dragging each other in prospective student tours. Cecil “coincidentally” getting way hotter the same year CMC moved to top 10 in liberal arts college rankings. For crissakes, the #1 most-worn clothing item on CMC campus literally actively encourages making sweet love to Pomona!!!

The raw, unsatiated sexual tension between you two is getting to be too much. And if you disagree, we here at the Golden Antlers have some incontrovertible proof for all you CMona deniers out there. In the crypts below The Cube, the unpaid Golden Antlers Marketing Intern unearthed a series of religious texts that tell of a brewing fuckfest that will trigger the San Andreas fault, sending ripples of elite academic orgasms throughout southern California–nay, the world.

This is 100% real, and not something we made using a romance fanfic generator.

Was that the plot of every 6:01 or was that the plot of every 6:01? Yeah, exactly, that’s what we thought. Look, you can find condoms in Student Health Services or any gas station bathroom vending machine. But let’s be real. Nix the condoms. Just make a fucking baby at this point. If Cecil isn’t pregnant by the new year, we at the Golden Antlers will personally slay CMC on the altar of Marx for failing to birth the next fiscally conservative, socially liberal demigod. I mean, demagogue. Cecil, it’s time to rock what your mama (Mrs. Harvard) gave you and put that 6.9% acceptance rate to good use. But please, while you jack off each other’s egos, maybe get a room for once–the rest of us would love some goddamn peace and quiet. But I guess Pitzer isn’t gonna put down the goddamn kalimba any time soon anyway so… have at it, ya filthy animals.

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