Dear Sage Antlers,
I’m in love with a Pomoaner. There, I said it. I’m constantly trying to catch his eye over the Frary burrito line. I write limericks comparing his eyes to the Pomona Skyspace, but I just can’t hook this hen! He enjoys “learning for the sake of learning” and I enjoy learning for the sake of becoming a mutherfuckin’ millionare one day. Sage Antlers, help me out, how do I catch a Sagecock cutie?
Sleepless in South Quad
Dear Sleepless in South Quad,
I’m sure you are not the only lonely girl to fall victim to the allure of the other side of Sixth Street. Thankfully, catching this Sagecock is easier than you think. Everyone knows the best way to meet the man of your dreams is at Pub, so get out there and strut your stuff! There is no shame in donning a fabulous Scrippsie-esque outfit and showing off your best moves on the dance floor. I’m certain you’ll catch his eye and maybe he’ll even buy you a drink (hopefully it’s not roofied). Fight your way through a sea of flannel to find your Pomona beau. After all, The Student Life recently reported that Doms (of Doms Lounge fame) is “the matchmaker of our generation.” And, well, if the couples in the corners and on the stage up against the wall aren’t finding true love (albeit very sweaty and aggressive true love), God knows what they’re really doing. With the help of a little Pub grindin’, the two of you will be bonding over burritos sooner than you can even imagine!
**Do you have a problem that only a smart (smart-ass) animal-person can solve? E-mail your issues to firstname.lastname@example.org to consult Sage Antlers.