On February 3rd, the Golden Antlers informed the Student Life of their grievous behavior on February 3rd, 2018. Our request is simple: cease and desist from all funny business.
RE: Cease & Desist from Infringing Our Funny Patent
Dear Student Life:
We are writing you this letter to document a period of unrelenting infringement of Golden Antler copyrights and patents we have experienced from you starting January 31, 1977. Primarily, this has taken the form of engaging in legitimate and frightfully competitive satire. Come on, we thought we hashed this out long ago— you’d do serious stuff, we’d be funny. Sadly, and after much deliberation, we must ask you to stop. Such conduct has caused us to suffer severe humiliation, embarrassment, emotional distress, and physical discomfort, and much-needed pageviews that in no way correlate to the state of our egos.
We’ve attached several exhibits which, self-evidently, lead us to conclude that you have given up serious journalism in favor of content too fabricated to be real. We understand that it’s natural to feel that way sometimes, but we hoped that at least you, Student Life, would bring sanity to us amid such a world of err.
We hereby demand that you cease and desist from this activity as soon as possible or within a couple days or something from your receipt of this letter. If action is not taken by you to cease and desist within the given time frame, we will have no choice but to take appropriate legal action against you, including, but not limited to, trial by combat.
The Golden Staff
Our Grievances, Exhibits A – M
Exhibit A – Feb 19, 1999
This is a clear example of the early murmurings of satire in the Student Life’s writing. They humorously reported that the Claremont Colleges were considering stopping the sale of alcoholic beverages on campus. Pffff, jokes on them.
Additionally, note their implication that In-N-Out drunkenly stumbled its way to Pomona’s campus last Thuesday [sic]. How is that possible, it doesn’t even have legs.
Exhibit B – Dec 1, 2017
The Student Life has knowingly and willfully spread misinformation regarding the size of Claremont McKenna College’s financial aid donations. This information is private. It is not the size of the donation, but how you use it.
Exhibit C – Sept 22, 2017
Okay, this one is just straight up fiction? They claim that they’ve had beef with the 5C’s for decades over a “land dispute.” The School of Theology was just like, fuck it we’re going to Oregon. Salem, Oregon, to be exact. There’s no way this is real.
Exhibit D – Sept 22, 2017
Okay, Student Life, the new freshman class didn’t have that many transports. We only had like 18, not $4 million worth.
Exhibit E – Sept 22, 2017
While yes, absolutely adorable, the effort at satire isn’t. Yes, those paws are tiny and cute, but no way they’d be able to sternly warn ten student’s that no, they aren’t allowed in Wedding Party without a ticket. While we don’t disagree that his little kerchief makes us all fuzzy and warm in the inside, a badge reading “Campus Security” doesn’t really ring, ‘you better not jump over that fence into Pirate Party.’ I mean, you don’t have to tell us twice that those floppy ears make us sway, it’s just that we wish you would stick to real journalism, not this clear attempt at satire.
Exhibit F – Sept 22, 2017
Okay, there’s no way this one is true. We invited 50 men in 2017. While mayyybe this would have happened in 2016, CMC would never invite more men than women to speak in 2018 because we just went Co-Ed.
Wait. Is this true?
Exhibit G – Oct 6, 2017
This one’s just a rhetorical question. Is there life after grad? No. Of course not. Once you leave these walls, there are no more TNCs, TNRs, and unlimited mozz stix. So no, there is no life after grad. Next question.
Exhibit H – Nov 10, 2017
CMC launches a web page dedicated to free speech. A WEB SITE. Come on, this should be 2017 satire, not 1993 satire. Now, if it were “CMC Launches Blockchain Dedicated to Free Speech,” then *maybe* this could be up to modern snuff.
Exhibit I – March 31, 2017
We’re not kidding. This was a for real released issue of the Student Life. They were illegally testing the waters for a full blown satire experience. So help us God.
Exhibit J – March 31, 2017
Wait, holy shit, The Student Life actually made this.
Exhibit K – March 31, 2017
No, but really. Please stop. You’re taking away our hard earned viewership with content like this. There’s no way we can pay the wages you do for this kind of quality kush. Please go back to covering cute dogs Camp Sec hires (see Exhibit E)
Exhibit L – March 31, 2017
Exhibit M – March 30, 2007
And sometimes, this shit just writes itself. In conclusion, there comes a time when it is far better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. Today, children, we fight for what is rightfully ours. We stand here, before you, asking for nothing more than a simple request: leave the jokes to us. This is all we have.