March 5, 2018
Dear the Student Life,
Fuck you. We here at the Golden Antlers are disgusted by your behavior, actually not disgusted, we’re infuriated by your behavior. We try so fucking hard to get your attention, we’ve written numerous articles and letters addressed to you, we’ve influenced school elections, and we even gave the best ‘State of the Consortium’ speech the colleges have seen in years, in which we announced CUCkoin, geographical eradication of KLI, and the dissolution of ASCMC; but you can’t even give us the time of day to pat us on our back and say “well done.” Well listen here you little shits, it’s about damn time you write an article about us.
We’re tired of being the nice guy here. We give you nothing but our precious time, which to our dismay you completely disregard it. You may not know it, but when we pull out all the fucking strings, we do it solely for you. You know that article “Dear Student Life, Cease and Desist”? Well, there was never any intention on suing you, we just wanted to be noticed by you. There is nothing more that we want than for you to post a single fucking article saying “haha look at what the Golden Antlers is doing.” If you keep ignoring us and play “hard to get”, we’re going to stop chasing after your attention. You guys are so distracted going after all these insignificant stories like “CMC Lags Behind Other 5Cs in Faculty Diversity” and “Mudd Core Program Undergoes Reform To Improve Student Mental Health,” that you guys failed to notice the thing you needed to write about most was us. This is a wake up call to get us out of the friend zone, and give us the respect and attention we deserve.
Look, in no way are we telling you that we are doing your job better than you, but we are. And honestly, it’s been long overdue that we get recognition for that. We’ve picked up the slack when you guys have not been able to get the specific details to inform the public of what actually happened. I mean, did you see our coverage about the CMS Track and Field team where we released what actually happened to the public, that was some expert, A1 investigation shit. But nonetheless, we continue to put out newsworthy content in order to garner your attention with no acknowledgement from you guys.
We hope that you take this into consideration when posting your next article, as pretty soon we’re not going to let you completely invalidate us. Just know that we tried being Mr. Nice Guy over and over, but it seems like the only way to get your attention is to be a dick.
The Golden Antlers