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How to Describe Your Tiny, Irrelevant Private School When You Go Home for Fall Break

 

We have come up with some ways for you to humblebrag about the incomparable Claremont Colleges to your parent’s colleagues, your grandmother, or Nick from senior year literature class who told everyone you were sleeping with the teacher. Fuck you Nick, at least I know what statutory consent is.

About as many people know where you go to school as people that live in a shitty town in Nebraska, but you want, no NEED, literally everyone you know to know how much of a pretentious dick you are. You can’t control that you’re that much better than them! If people don’t know how high your SAT score was from what college you go to, you might as well be getting your education from a half-alligator man in the pipes LA uses to steal water. 

Step 1: Start off with the basics; explain the location and Consortium simply so their small minds can understand.

  1. It’s like Los Angeles, but the part that isn’t LA and is instead located in the sweaty buttcrack of Satan’s third side chick.
  2. A lesbian, stoner, frat dude, prick, and nerd walk into a bar. They all order the most expensive drink on the menu and then yell at each other about how the others need to understand what economic privilege is.

Step 2: Next, here are some descriptions you can use for your specific school. Feel free to get creative with them!

Scripps

  1. A prestigious institution that only focuses on Marine Biology. 
  2. Some memorable educational opportunities include jacking off dolphins for important stem cell research (because that’s how science works) and exploring colonization in Disney’s The Little Mermaid (who is Eric really?). 
  3. An inclusive institution where girls hit on each other by talking about fucking dudes.
  4. Bonus: Experiencing oceanography in action by discovering of crabs all around campus. 

Pitzer 

  1. If you were to take peyote in the desert to try and actually experience some culture, but then wanted to do that for four years while going to school. The same experience too, because nobody is wearing sandals because they aren’t wearing any shoes and haven’t showered since they got there in 2007. 
  2. A unique student body all with the common goal of making you feel bad about your uncool music. 
  3. This intellectual community uses cacti for chairs, but you have too much of a second-hand high to feel it anyway, so don’t worry about it!
  4. Bonus: Make sure to remind whoever you’re talking to that while it may sound like your living your life in Bob Marley’s wet dream, they still couldn’t have gotten in. 

Harvey Mudd

  1. Mark Zuckerberg’s brain’s left hemisphere extracted and mashed into a campus of brutalism, just in case you forgot that the sciences are not meant for anything but very, very serious behavior. 
  2. An incredible community of students alternate between skating on those weird little single wheel one-foot skateboard things to the library and stealing your bitch. That subatomic pussy aint gonna lick itself! 
  3. Also, if you can find the lizard disguised as a human in your physics class you’ll be saved by the illuminati during the apocalypse; look for lip licking and glazed eyes. Happy hunting! 
  4. Bonus: Once students take 6 classes in a semester, nothing could faze them, it’s time for fight club. 

Pomona

  1. Harvard is the Pomona of the east. Ever heard of it?  No not UCLA, it’s private. No not like USC, it’s like the better one. Small! Intimate classroom settings! It’s more competitive. Make sure they know you could have gone to any of those if you wanted to, you just didn’t feel like it. If they don’t believe you, don’t worry, nobody else does either. 
  2. It’s a wonderland of intellectual achievement and an incomparable environment complete with the three expensive dining halls, all of which have worse food than the last.
  3. Bonus: Make sure to mention that it’s next to Claremont McKenna, before Pomona, you have the best chance of them knowing what the fuck you’re talking about. 

Claremont McKenna

  1. A paradise with the perfect weather for a visor, polo shirt, and riding a longboard so fast through campus people might actually mistake you for someone with a massive schlong.
  2. It is really difficult to get into Claremont McKenna because of its required minimum height. It’s important for you to literally have to talk down to people.
  3. Bonus: Emphasize the fact that the colleges are called the Claremont Colleges and how the other four were made out of CMC’s ribs to be its bitches.

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