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Did the CMC Forum Article about The Golden Antlers Taking it Too Far actually Take it Too Far?


Did the CMC Forum Article about The Golden Antlers Taking it Too Far actually Take it Too Far?

In regards to a recent article entitled “Did The Golden Antlers Take it Too Far?” published on The CMC Forum a member of Clancy Tripp’s motley team of writers Dante Toppo writes the following opinion piece:

Warning: This article may venture into the realm of real news – still waiting for The Forum to follow suit

All of this article is the factliest facts you’ve ever fact. Please always believe everything we write, because we write factgasms.  Sometimes we fact so hard that we don’t even recognize our own factastic selves anymore.

Fact #1:

We readily admit that Christian Newmeister is smarter than we will ever be. He is smarter than you; he is smarter than your dad. We would love to suckle at the teat of Newmeister’s intellect like a bundle of teacup pigs. We absolutely respect him and thank him for respecting us in his article.

baby photo retrieved from Christian Newmeister's mother
baby photo retrieved from Christian Newmeister’s mother

Fact#2: Fact Harder:

Full disclosure we did not “read” his article, per se.  We merely read the title, which, as our previous works have shown, is the only way to read journalism.  There’s no chance that you’ll miss anything buried under all those other words. Consequently, we assume he concluded that no, we did not go too far. Thanks Christian for having our back! *Journalism Five*

Fact #3:

Although we do not debase ourselves to the low art of comedy, and are in fact, physically incapable of laughter, our rudimentary understanding of satire is that you try to make it look like the subject being satirized. It has to be believable. It has to look on the surface like journalism—that’s how The Student Life has gotten to where it is today.  Also, we’re pretty sure Ireland solved their poverty crisis by eating all the poor babies, so there’s that too.

Fact #FACT:

The Forum has set an excellent example of subject choice that we would like to follow. We will now report exclusively on The Golden Antlers. Most articles will simply be a screenshot of our homepage, which in turn would feature articles that are merely screenshots of themselves in an Escherian hellscape of self-referentiality. We’ve honestly been a little starved for content and conflict recently.

The Golden Antlers reports on The Golden Antlers reporting on Jack Pitney's Congress class!
The Golden Antlers reports on The Golden Antlers reporting on Jack Pitney’s Congress class!

Fact #5 – The Gritty Reboot (alternately Fact Force 5 – Factmageddon, alternately alternately, Fact pt. 5: The Reckoning, alternately alternately alternately The Fact & The Furious: The CMC Forum):

When not reporting about ourselves, in order to clearly separate fact from slanderous accusations of humor, we shall report “just the news” and only just the news. Modeling off of our competitors’ journalistic strategies, we will publish verbatim copies of administration emails, reports, and survey results, paraphrased faculty and staff bios, and encourage our columnists to debase Scripps as much as possible. Maybe then we can get some of that sweet sweet school funding.

we're not even fucking with you. this is a real email.
we’re not even fucking with you. this is a real email.

Journalism is truly a noble profession. We are happy to be a part of it. Seriously.

P.S. In regards to ““Forum So Starved for Content That They’ll Post about Us.”:

The Golden Antlers would like to thank Christian Newmeister for his application to join the staff.  Unfortunately, we cannot accept him at this time.

Screen Shot 2013-04-10 at 4.59.27 PM

*Golden Antlers Roving Reporter*

Has the Forum has gone too far by describing the GA as a “comedy site”?  The Golden Antlers wanders the campuses to find out!

Personal testimonials:

“I feel personally victimized by the Forum for its use of such a slanderous term. I truly believe that Literature is not a real major and all Gender Studies majors are simpering Scripps students who seriously need to shave their armpits.” – Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, Literature & Film Major with a Gender Studies Sequence

“I read the Golden Antlers regularly, and they assure me that everything they write is the facts. To have the Forum call them a comedy site is kind of a sick joke. Who are they trying to fool? Its gotta be a hoax.  Is there some sort of petition I can sign…?” – Ronny Pumpernickel CMC ‘16

“Wait didn’t the Golden Antler’s shut down?” – Missed it McGee

“No I don’t think they went too far. The Forum is really good at dealing with sensitive issues delicately. Amiright Scripps students?” –Shañnön  Milàr

 I’m particularly looking forward to [GA article] “Forum So Starved for Content That They’ll Post about Us.” – Christian Newmeister CMC ’15 [great guy]

“How dare they use the word comedy so haphazardly! Frankly I don’t find the GA funny at all!” –Asshole PO ’13, TSL Copyeditor

“Dean Spellwoman? Ohhhhhhh, I see what you did there!” – Dean Spellman

“It’s nice to see The Forum writing something that isn’t an email from Dean Huang or Aditya Pai”—Aditya Pi

“The use of the phrase comedy site really offends me. It is inappropriate to use the c-word unless you really have a credible claim to that identity y’know? That’s our word man.” –Ender Wiggins

“I am far too drunk to provide a comment” Caroline Mims Mean

– Dante Toppo CMC ’15

with minor contributions by Clancy Tripp CMC ’15


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