“Dining Hall Staff Aren’t Skilled Workers,” Says Pomona VP Struggling To Open Mayo Jar

CLAREMONT, CA – In a shocking turn of events, Pomona’s Vice President of Golden Hoards or something like that hosted a press conference this evening from his kitchen to comment on the Pomona dining hall staff’s ongoing struggle for fair pay. The VP, who asked to remain anonymous but is statistically most likely named Robert, gathered reporters to provide an update on the situation.

“The reality,” said the VP, “is that Pomona workers…hold on, this is on there really tight. Geez. Is that Pomona dining hall staff just don’t bring many skills to the table.” He paused for a moment in order to bang the jar of mayonnaise on the table. “Son of a gun. Anyone can make a sandwich, slice some vegetables, prepare healthy, diverse and sustainable food options for thousands of students every day. It’s really not that…hang on, I’ve almost got it.”

At this point in his address, the Vice President succeeded in opening the jar, spraying the contents across his tastefully decorated kitchen. “There’s some skills that simply require more training. Administration, for instance,” he elaborated, pretending not to notice the thick, gooey globs of mayo dripping down the front of his Brooks Brothers sport coat. “It took me years to learn how to sort columns by value in Excel, and I should be paid accordingly. The reality is, myself and many of my colleagues, we’ve put the time in to be able to live within walking distance of campus and provide secure futures for our families.” He gestured around his kitchen, spraying the already mayonnaise-soaked reporters with another deluge. “I just can’t say the same for all of our staff.”

Putting down the jar, the Vice President opened his fridge to reveal row upon row of raw chicken breasts, labeled “Meal Prep,” before taking out a can of Cheez Whiz and shotgunning it. “Sure, administrative positions have increased more than 380% since 1990, and tuition has increased by more than 250%, but we need that money. Look at Pitzer, for instance. Their staff just unionized last week, and because of that they’ve been on the verge of bankruptcy for years. We can’t let that happen to our endowment.”

Between bites of charred hamburger, he elaborated, “It’s not like we aren’t trying to help the workers: we offered them $15 in Claremont Cash ©, which they claimed ‘wouldn’t pay for their kids college.’ It’s LITERALLY a college currency.”

The VP has grown increasingly frustrated at his inability to find common ground with people as hard-working and essential to the running of the 5Cs as dining staff. “Look, I get it, cooking is great. Even my wife cooks. But you don’t hear her complaining.”