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Donald Trump Announces Candidacy for Scripps College Presidency

 

Scripps College president Lori Bettison-Varga announced on Wednesday, July 8, 2015 that she will be leaving this fall to become director of Los Angeles County’s Natural History Museum. Approximately forty-nine seconds after the letter was sent out, Donald Trump officially announced his candidacy for Scripps College President. Below is the full speech.

Ladies and Gentleman,

Today is an incredible day for the city of Claremont. I, Donald Trump aka the Trumpster aka Trump Queen, am officially, announcing my candidacy to become the president of Scripps College. Yes, I know what you are thinking. Isn’t this man running for President of the United States? Can a man be president of Scripps College? Is Biff from “Back to the Future” my hairstylist? And the answer to all of these is yes, because I am that smart and that great of a leader. But that is not important, because Scripps College does not have leaders. It has losers. We are losing to all of the other 5C’s. But do not worry. I guarantee that I WILL BE THE GREATEST COLLEGE PRESIDENT GOD EVER CREATED.

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However, Scripps needs to face their problems. We need to look south, to their borders. CMC is killing us. When CMC sends their students to the Motley, they are not sending their best. They are sending drug dealers, rapists, and line cutters. To stop this, I will build a GREAT WALL, and I will make Kravis pay for it. You can take that to the bank. Or to my casino.

As president of Scripps, I would not only fix the CMC problem, I would tear down those ugly Spanish dorms, which remind me way too much of Mexico, and replace them will several deluxe, luxury Trump towers, casinos, and resorts for both students and the public. And I don’t need anybody’s money. I am worth like one hundred zillion dollars. Not to brag.

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Last, I will bring revenue and great professors to the school, by starting a new television series, “The Professor Apprentice,” where I myself will fire and hire the best of the best. I will also merchandise Scripps clothing lines at stores nationwide. Look to Harvey Mudd. When was the last time you saw a Scripps tee shirt at Harvey Mudd? They’re killing us. And I have nothing against Mudd. I just sold an apartment for $15 million to a Mudder. A Mudder!

The ball is in your court, Scripps College. Thank you, and God Bless the United States of America.

– Donald J. Trump

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– Jack Gerstenberger CMC ’17

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