Donald J. Trump, the billionaire businessman and frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination, has suspended his campaign after reading a fiercely critical Facebook post written by Pomona freshman and brave hero Leopold Magnus Jr.
In his blistering post, which received 14 ‘likes’ and one comment by a fellow student which read “Preach” or “Truth” or something, Magnus declared “I don’t usually post about politics on Facebook” but that he was “tired of listening to Donald Trump’s bigotry and lies.” The wise and courageous hero went on to implore his fellow Americans to “wake up,” and to condemn the GOP front runner as “ignorant,” “racist,” “Islamophobic” and “a demagoge” (sic).
Attached to the audacious post was a video in which Trump attacks young Pakistani activist and Nobel Peace Prize Recipient Malala Yousafzai as “overrated” and a “loser.” Trump later appears to mock the young activist for having once been shot in the head by the Taliban, saying “I like the ones who weren’t shot in the head.”
At a hastily-called press conference in his namesake tower in Manhattan, a visibly shaken Trump announced that he would be suspending his campaign “until we can figure out what’s going on.” The real-estate mogul then mused “I’d never thought of it before, but maybe this Leo kid has a point. All this time I thought I was campaigning against the haters and losers, but maybe I’m just a hater and loser myself. This young man’s status has really helped me see the light.”
The freshman announced his intention to write more statuses in the future that demonstrate his firm moral and intellectual superiority on controversial subjects such as terrorism, racism, economic policy and world hunger. “I have a newfound confidence in my ability to persuade people who already agree with me 100%,” Magnus said.
Following his momentous achievement, Magnus has reportedly been offered a position crafting Buzzfeed-style lists for the campaign of Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton.