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Due to Housing Shortage, Scripps College Ritually Executes Students, Houses Them in Holes in Ground

 

Dear Girlboss,

You are receiving this email as you were unable to make a housing selection due to the shortage of rooms during room draw, our campus partners are in the process of obtaining additional inventory at College Park to meet this need. However, because of unusually high demand for housing for Fall 2022, we will be forced to execute some of our students. Unfortunately, you have been selected as one of these students. Our condolences.

At the beginning of the Fall 2022 semester, please report to Balch Hall on September 12, 2022 at 3:45am. Scripps is proud to offer a wide variety of choices for student executions, you may choose from two different options: being bludgeoned to death by honored members of our board of trustees wielding baseball bats full of nails OR squishing.

We know that community bonding is a critical part of the Scripps experience. To ensure that you do not miss out on this key part of community life, the executions will be done in groups so that you can watch your classmates die.

You may be concerned about your living arrangements between the start of the semester and your scheduled execution date. Regretfully, Scripps administration requests that you figure it out.

We understand this may be difficult news to process. Our condolences. Please know that this selection was made randomly, based on if your last name sounded poor. If it is any consolation, your hole in the ground might be in the rose garden if you get an early enough hole draw time.

We know that it may be difficult to participate in on-campus life if you are dead. However, we would like to offer a $500 Amazon Gift Card to anyone who volunteers for ritual execution. This is more than double what we are offering students who volunteer to live in College Park. We feel that this is a more than generous offer. These are difficult times and we all have to make sacrifices.

Furthermore, we know some of you may have heard some rumors about a conflict with the RCs and CCs. These rumors are false. Everything is fine. We truly value the outspokenness of the Scripps community, so long as they are not speaking out in a way that reflects negatively on the college.

Thank you for your patience during this difficult time. Some factors, like the number of students we choose to accept, are beyond our control. We are grateful to the exceptional Scripps community for their understanding.

Best,

Dean di Bartolo-Beckman

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