Edgy First Year Wondering Why There is No White Mentor Group


Edgy CMC first year and Upper East Side resident Parker Williams stood up in front of his friend group Saturday morning at Collins brunch, loudly declaring his confusion over why there was no white mentor group at Claremont. “I mean, they have a mentor group for like, everybody else out there,” the brave, inspirational young man emphasized to his friend group, embodying the passion and zeal of someone giving an invigorating Ted Talk.

“My question is—why don’t they have a white mentor group then?” He asked, apparently unaware that the intricacies of modern-day American society were already structured to effectively comprise said white mentor group.

“That’s just reverse racism plain and simple.” The courageous revolutionary and defender of free speech went on to stress the dangers of PC culture and the horrors that it was bringing to the Claremont campuses.

“I mean, like, we can’t even say anything anymore without offending everyone. I don’t even know what I’m allowed to find funny now,” he said, ”an American flag unfurling behind him in the wind and the cry of eagles majestically reverberating in the distance.

“I couldn’t even wear a sombrero to my Cinco de Mayo party last year. Is that the kind of America that any of us really want to live in?”

At press time, Williams insisted that this is what he believed in and he didn’t care who he offended, carefully lowering his voice significantly each time someone who wasn’t in his friend group walked by.


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