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Equality Win! Pitzer College Professors Are Now Required to Live With Their Parents

 

Following increasing pressure from the Pitzer College student body, President Herman Melville Oliver Twist announced three weeks ago that his administration has made the formal decision to require all professors to move back in with their parents. Student activists have been mobilizing all semester to put increased pressure on their college’s administration for this enormous win for equal opportunity. 

According to the Pitzer college activists, this decision is the most fair for all parties involved. “I think this will help our administration become empaths like us,” Olivia Carmen ‘21 told the GA. Carmen, a campus activist, was leading the crusade by providing dozens of email templates for students from all walks of life to send to administrators and professors at the college. Among the most popular and effective were “If my professor is happy and I’m not that will suck so much” and “I’m not paying $74,000 a year for my professor to own their own home.”

While student activists recognize this solution is not ideal for any party involved, another campus leader, Brandon Gurgenheim ‘23, explained the motivation behind the movement: “We’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation. Nobody wants to live at home. That’s why everyone has to. I don’t really know what else to tell you.”

Initially, it appeared professors were not taking well to the ruling. However, two weeks in, our reporters spoke with 68% of Pitzer faculty and the general consensus was that it was intolerable and terrible and things are really bad. “Facetiming students is way more awkward when I’m playing Yahtzee with my parents,” says one English professor. “They keep telling me I’ve hit my screen time limit during zoom lectures and cut the wifi” 

We’re just excited to see that the playing field is finally evening out and everybody can be sad at the same time but not talk about it because that would be embarrassing.

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