Expat Freshman demands COCK$ Mentor Group

How Will COCK$ fit into the new Pomona administration?

 

Just last Monday, Francis d’Onofrio III (PO ‘21) issued an ultimatum to Pomona president Gabrielle Starr: COCK$ OR BUST.

In an exclusive interview, d’Onofrio painted a stark picture of a tumultuous first month sullied by the unfamiliarity of “tasteless” beer, a mysterious activity called “soccer”, and tubular yoghurt. These confusions, explained d’Onofrio, have left him isolated from his peers and thus depleted his social capital: “It just isn’t fair that international students such as myself are left to fend for ourselves as soon as we arrive.”

In his ultimatum, d’Onofrio demanded that President Starr ensure a range of protections for students such as himself. D’Onofrio pressed Starr to approve his new mentorship group, the Consortium of Continental Kids $truggling (COCK$) . Such a mentorship group would provide a cathartic space for similarly befuddled COCK$ to lament the American cultural hegemony of dabbing, JUULing, tween sitcoms, and obscure historical references.

“As a prospective IR major, I feel inherently disadvantaged when my Intro to American Politics professor references things like DACA, General Lee, and Financial Aid like he expects me to know what they mean. It’s even worse when I finally connect with another student over a Marlboro red only for him to complain that he’s craving a gogurt.” Continued d’Onofrio: “These people don’t even know how to pronounce aluminium! How am I expected to integrate into the community without an active COCK$?”

Hoping to convince Starr to repurpose the Women’s Union room into the COCK$ home base, d’Onofrio envisions completing such a space with a “Gin & Tonic Tasting Bar” as well as an iPad loaded with explanations of aforementioned unfamiliar American terms.  

Succumbing to demands for more diversity of thought, the Golden Antlers reached out to multiple students to gauge Pomona’s demand for COCK$. While a group of Chubbies-clad students in Carnegie Hall expressed rousing support for such a group, Pomona senior Prudence Williams was more critical: “I feel like Alpha Epsilon Pi already serves this niche. There’s not enough room at Pomona for this many COCK$.” Bucking the trend of such polarised discourse, Claremont village resident Sam Thompson offered a more nuanced view: “How did you get into my house and why the fuck are you naked?”

D’Onofrio is scheduled to meet with President Starr next Monday, and has preemptively rented out Soho House Malibu for a “victory party”. The Golden Antlers reached out to Soho House Malibu who revealed that they had no record of a reservation under d’Onofrio, though did have a booking under the name of a shell company in the Cayman Islands.

Based on how drunk on Tanqueray he was during this interview, it seems unlikely that d’Onofrio will be able to get his COCK$ up and running any time soon.

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