CLAREMONT, CA– This Valentine’s Day, lonely 5C students awoke to find themselves lonely no more after The Golden Antlers and Harvard Computer Society teamed up to create an irresistibly, deliriously hilarious, optimal matchmaking service. As the #1 ranked satirical newspaper in the world, it was truly no surprise that once again, The GA delivered a roaring success and a phenomenal feat of excellence, providing pure ecstasy for its constituents.
No less than 100% of users report themselves “extremely stoked” about their results. In the mere 24 hours since results were released, every individual who took the quiz has found who they deem “the loves of their lives.” Each and every student, faculty, staff, and numerous parents of 5C students have coupled off to find their ultimate happiness just in time for Saint Cupid’s special Day.
While Claremont rejoices, Zzxyx, Calif. Police report ample complaints of “the worst traffic in the history of the United States of America.” In an extraordinary love frenzy, Datamatch users have fled Claremont to highway 15 as they journey to Las Vegas, NV, with plans to elope immediately upon arrival. While the drive between “the city of trees and PhDs” and fantastic Las Vegas typically amounts to 3.5 hours, the trip has become a protracted journey, rounding out to 4 days.
“The second I saw her name, knowing she too selected that not being fingered at TNC was a deal breaker, I knew we had to seal the deal,” says Emily Corrie, CMC ‘20. “We’ve been stuck in Victorville for 21 hours. But it’ll be worth it when we finally tie the knot.” Corrie’s story is anything but unique on the trip to neighboring Nevada. Corrie and her soon-to-be wife are accompanied by thousands who tell of “slugging around covered in lube with my boo like [I’ve] always dreamed of,” or “…feeling ecstatic at the mere thought of naming our first-born Jennwyth.”
Next year, in an attempt to reconcile our differences and truly express how sorry we are for being the most exquisite matchmakers to exist, The Golden Antlers will be offering a variety of transportation for Datamatch users and their hunnies to get over to Nevada and wed. Options will include electric Razor scooters with Bose speaker systems playing “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease on repeat and a rented Rick Springfield tour bus.
In the meantime, The Golden Antlers would like to formally apologize for really doing a truly exceptional job and being the most virtuously exceptional and superb organization who incredulously finds those in need of love and works outstandingly. We understand that this is a difficult time for all those involved, and we are deeply sorry for our phenomenal performance.