Last Sunday morning the Golden Antlers received an anonymous letter that was slid under the door of one of our fellow writers. We take it upon ourselves as the top journalistic publication at the 5C’s to make the community aware of the student’s suffering. Below is the letter.
Hello I am a Junior at Claremont McKenna and I’ve had some trouble getting it up lately. I first want to preface this confession by letting you know that I could literally get it any day of the week. I have 6 beautiful abs that were crafted by Robert himself, I have enough muscle tone in my arms so that I “unintentionally” flex while taking notes in class, and my face and jaw line is very chiseled like the greek god I am; But, alas, I am struggling to stay hard when hooking up with a girl in my own dorm room.
At first I thought I was just not attracted to any of the girls that I was getting with, because these past couple weeks I’ve been hooking up with a solid 7 or 8, when I usually am getting with 9s and 10s. After plowing all the Green and Appleby girls, it was time to migrate. So last Saturday, I brought back this perfect 10 to my room. She was so fucking hot, but I just couldn’t help my dick from falling limp. No matter how hard I tried looking at her tits, I couldn’t keep my mind off the stack of untouched text books in the corner of my room. While receiving head, I was thinking with the wrong head; I kept looking at the books thinking about that final project due for my economics of yachts class and that paper for the philosophy of wolf in street and everything else I have to do.
It’s no easy feat being me right now, I’m not gonna to lie. I have realized that with being this beautiful and intellectually intelligent, there are many roadblocks, my own cockblock done by myself being just one of them. I wanted to share this confession because I truly hope that I am not alone in this journey. I just want to sit down with a bunch of super attractive chill dudes and tell them, “It’s ok to get whiskey dick every once in a while, because you’re worth it. You’re very smart, so good looking, and super hot. So like, who cares if your penis isn’t hard enough for Tessa from Bos?” At the end of the day, we all know she’s gonna do me anyways.
Signed, a CMC Junior